LOS ANGELES — Tito Jackson declared himself the new King of Pop today, promising to fill the void in fans’ hearts left by the death of his superstar younger brother. The 55 year-old member of the original Jackson Five said he has prepared for this moment his whole life. “Of course, I never wanted my brother to die,” said Tito,
COLUMBIA, SC — When Governor Mark Sanford emailed his South American lover, expressing his admiration for “…the curve of your hips, the
SACRAMENTO — Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today declared that IOUs will be the new currency of the State of California. “Since we can’t print
WASHINGTON, DC — The Republican National Committee announced today it will be removing the much-hyped “Family Values” agenda from its platform. Since
HOLLYWOOD — Performers Diahann Carroll and Leslie Uggams expressed their
LOS ANGELES – In a sad turn of events, the black body of Michael Jackson was found dead Wednesday, less than a week after his white one departed. The
LONDON – Faced with the possibility of refunding $85 million in tickets sales, promoters for the concert series that Michael Jackson was preparing
NEW YORK — Convicted financier Bernie Madoff, sentenced to 150 years for perpetrating the largest financial scam in history, remains optimistic
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Cases of OxiClean and the Handy Switch have been flying off the shelves in cities around the world, as distraught fans of
Apple CEO Steven Jobs has downloaded an update to his liver to correct serious vulnerabilities detected in the previous version. The update includes
DENVER — A Colorado woman was accused of changing her husband’s Sleep Number on the couple’s adjustable Select Comfort mattress. Arlene
THE INTERNET — Armed with a single Xbox controller, an assailant went on a rampage Tuesday at an online university, firing hundreds of virtual rounds
BLOOMINGTON, IN — An armed gunman who went on a rampage at Indiana University on Thursday was unable to
TEHRAN — After an exhaustive recount of the election results, the Iranian ruling clerics have determined that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won
AFGHAN-PAKISTANI BORDER — Al-Qaida anounced on Monday it will be terminating its Waterboarding Survival course, which has been offered to its members
HORN OF AFRICA — Referring to themselves as rascals, scoundrels, villains, and knaves, modern-day Somalian
SACRAMENTO — Moses Josephson, the gay lover of Jesus Christ, returned from the dead on Good Friday to plead with anti-gay marriage activists to
JERUSALEM — New archaeological evidence uncovered over the weekend suggests that Jesus was not sentenced
BILLINGS, MT — A Montana couple found bits of broken plastic buried on their property that appear to have been parts of disposable forks and knives from a retail Target store. Marv and Harriet Semipole
TEHRAN — Iranian Grand Ayatollah Sayyid Ali Khamenei has been accused of rigging the results of the popular TV competition “Iranian Idol.” After singer Fazlullah Mehani amazed Iranian
YELLOWSTONE, WY — The response to President Obama’s swatting of a fly with his open palm during an NBC interview was so overwhelming, it prompted him to seek out other animals to kill with his
BALTIMORE — On the heels of Senator Arlen Specter’s jump to the Democratic Party, the GOP Elephant — longtime mascot of the Republicans — has announced he, too, is switching political
WASHINGTON, DC – In a speech at a recent Republican fundraiser, former House Speaker New Gingrich proposed that the United States adopt an Iranian-style Ayatollah form of government. “We can keep
After losing the 2009 NBA Finals 4-1, Orlando players have accused the Lakers of applying a foreign substance to the basketball to make it easier for them to score. “Shots that would normally bounce
A man whose penis was severed from his body recently underwent surgery to replace the missing appendage with the big toe from his right foot. John Wentworth Larchmont lost his penis in a freak lawnmower
Ugly Girl and her Prom Date MINERTON, WI – An ugly girl has asked a convicted sexual offender to be her prom
LOS ANGELES – CNN host Larry King stunned television viewers last week by researching the background and accomplishments of a guest prior to interviewing him on his popular cable television show. Surfing
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SAN FRANCISCO — Craigslist officials announced today they will be adding a new category exclusively for Stalkers and Victims, in an attempt to make their
TRENTON — An atrocious singer from New Jersey sued the producers of American Idol Thursday, claiming unfair employment practices by hiring only those with strong singing voices to participate in
SEATTLE — Bill Gates has thrown his hat into the auto manufacturing ring, with the production of Microsoft’s first generation of consumer transportation devices, aptly named “MS Car,
WASHINGTON — Following his surprising switch to the Democratic Party, Senator Arlen Specter announced on Monday that he will no longer identify with the male
ORANGE COUNTY, CA — The growing controversy as to whether or not Miss California should keep her crown ended today when pageant owner Donald Trump declared the young beauty queen “perfectly
ATLANTA — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control have found that 99.9% of the victims of the H1N1 influenza virus, commonly known as the “Swine
WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama issued an Executive Order today approving the use of “Sandwich Boarding” to extract information from suspected
