Featured Poop
Gun advocates assert right to kill things
SEATTLE – Gun advocates staged a rally at a Starbucks Wednesday, protesting the government’s ban on killing things. “It’s our Second Amendment right to kill anything we want, at a time and place of our choosing,” said Thomas Crendelly, head of Gun Owners Against Laws Against Killing. “It’s time for gun ...
Senator wants nation’s jobless to be his servants
WASHINGTON -- After blocking passage of a jobless benefits bill, Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY) announced today he will compensate the nation’s unemployed by offering them non-paid positions as his personal servants. “They should consider it an internship,” said Bunning. “They will learn the inner workings of my life -- where I ...
Toyota Camry sprouts wings, flies into 61st floor of Empire State Building
NEW YORK -- A Toyota Camry sprouted wings and flew uncontrollably from a highway in Massachusetts into the 61st floor of the Empire State Building over the weekend. The driver, identified as Melvin Carlyle, was traveling southbound on Route 1A through Attleboro, according to witnesses, when the wings suddenly emerged from ...
Tea Party divided over brewed or steeped
NASHVILLE, Tenn. -- Tempers rose and tea bags flew everywhere at the first national Tea Party conference, as attendees became embroiled in a bitter dipute over the specific type of beverage referred to in their their group's moniker. "The tea that was tossed into the chilly Boston harbor over two-hundred years ...
Toyota blames acceleration problem on faulty cup holders
[caption id="attachment_7724" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Driver at risk of peeing on himself."][/caption] NAGOYA/DETROIT -- Toyota announced today is has identified a defect in the design of its cup holders as the source of acceleration problems associated with its popular Corolla, Camry, Tundra, Avalon and RAV4 models. "When a driver places a 32 ounce drink, say ...
Americans turn to Haiti for medical care
PORT-AU-PRICE, Haiti -- Scores of ailing Americans arrive in this impoverished country by the hour, seeking life-saving medical treatment -- unavailable to them in the states -- from the best doctors and nurses to be found anywhere in the world. Bookkeeper Jerry Arlindi always considered himself fortunate to be covered by the ...
Kellogg’s orders recall after child finds toy inside cereal
BATTLE CREEK, MI -- Kellogg’s has recalled two-million cases of Frosted Flakes after an eight-year-old child discovered a toy car hidden inside the cereal. Third grader Jenny Thompson was pouring herself a bowl of the delicious, sugary flakes, when the small plastic vehicle cascaded from the box. “I was really freaked out,” ...
Compulsive masturbator banned from sperm bank
DENVER – An area man has been banned from making further donations to the Heritage Sperm Repository. According to records, Oliver Kertockum visited the clinic every day for the last three years. When he arrived last Friday, however, staffers refused to hand over the sterile collection cup, and instead demanded ...
Conan O’Brien offered 5-minute show on NBC
BURBANK, CA -- Conan O'Brien is being wooed back to NBC, this time with his very own five-minute show, to be aired nightly from 11:30 to 11:35 pm. Five Minutes with Conan is the brain child of NBC Universal President and CEO Jeff Zucker, who is desperate to end a sequence ...
Voters disappointed in Brown’s lack of accomplishment in U.S. Senate
BOSTON -- Ever since Scott Brown was elected on Tuesday to fill the Senate seat once held by Ted Kennedy, Massachusetts voters have expressed their overwhelming disappointment with his inability to acccomplish anything. “Senator Brown has not introduced any new legislation and has not voted on a single important issue facing ...
“It’s our Second Amendment right to kill anything we want, at a time and place of our choosing,” said Thomas Crendelly, head of Gun Owners Against Laws Against Killing. “It’s time for gun owners to stand up and kill something without interference from politicians.” (Get the full whiff...)
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Senator wants nation’s jobless to be his servants
“They should consider it an internship,” said Bunning. “They will learn the inner workings of my life — where I keep the toilet paper, for instance, and how I clip my toenails — while gaining valuable, real-world job experience.”
Americans turn to Haiti for medical care
PORT-AU-PRICE, Haiti — Scores of ailing Americans arrive in this impoverished country by the hour, seeking life-saving medical treatment — unavailable to them in the states — from the best doctors and nurses to be found anywhere in the world.
Entertainment
Conan O’Brien offered 5-minute show on NBC
BURBANK, CA — Conan O’Brien is being wooed back to NBC, this time with his very own five-minute show, to be aired nightly from 11:30 to 11:35 pm.
Haitians despondent over Simon Cowell departure from ‘Idol’
“I can’t believe he’s leaving us,” said Jean Leponte, who waded through the knee-high debris of his collapsed mud-and-stick hut, searching for his 14-year-old daughter and handmade Susan Boyle coffee mug. “The show will never be the same without his blunt brand of in-your-face honesty.”
Business
Toyota Camry sprouts wings, flies into 61st floor of Empire State Building
A Toyota Camry sprouted wings and flew uncontrollably from a highway in Massachusetts into the 61st floor of the Empire State Building over the weekend.
Wal-Mart seeks to hire its first Jew
BENTONVILLE, AR – Desiring to showcase its commitment to diversity, Wal-Mart is looking to hire a Jew in one of its 4200 stores nationwide.
“We are reaching out to the Jewish community,” Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke told reporters. “We want to let Jews know they have a home here.”
International
Osama bin Laden seeks new cinematographer
CAVE SOMEHWERE — Fresh off the release of his first promotional audio tape in over six months, terrorist Chief Osama Bin Laden is now shaking up his video production department.
GOP opposes ‘public option’ for Haitians
WASHINGTON — Republican lawmakers today strongly condemned President Obama’s use of government money to provide medical aid to Haitian earthquake victims.
Economy
Americans flee to Guatemala to escape bleak job market
GUATEMALA CITY — John Wilson holds a PhD in physics and has worked in the aerospace industry for over thirty years. Today he is selling cheese-stuffed pupusas — a native Guatemalan delicacy — from the back of a burro-driven wagon.
Employment up for stupid people
Employment among imbeciles and morons rose 10% in the 2nd quarter of 2009, according to a new report released today by the U.S. Bureau of Statistics.
Science
Deer caught in headlights, unable to move
Despite ample opportunity to run to the side of the road, the animal apparently became paralyzed, allowing the two-and-a-half-ton Ford 150 to slam into it at 60 mph.
Booger stem cells show promise
SANTA CLARITA, CA — Researchers at College of the Canyons have released results to a study suggesting that human boogers may contain stem cells with similar regenerative qualities to those of embryos.
Crime
Criminals urged to apprehend themselves
LOS ANGELES, CA — In an attempt to lower costs for law enforcement, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is asking lawbreakers to turn themselves in as part of his “Arrest Yourself” campaign. He spelled out details of the program at a press conference Tuesday.
Madoff looks forward to life after prison
NEW YORK — Convicted financier Bernie Madoff, sentenced to 150 years for perpetrating the largest financial scam in history, remains optimistic about life after prison.
News in Brief
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Recent Stink
Vancouver extends Olympics three years
VANCOUVER, British Columbia — Unwilling to part with an event that has brought global recognition to their city, Vancouver authorities have declared they will be extending the 2010 Winter Olympics
Rejected Super Bowl Commercials 2010
Every year, television networks reject a large number of advertisements from airing on the Super Bowl broadcast. Here’s an assortment of commercials that were rejected from this year’s big
Super Bowl delayed to give fan time to purchase TV
TOLEDO, Ohio — Superbowl XLIV has been delayed indefinitely today, to give dock worker Harry Archburn enough time to purchase his first HD television set, return home and install it, without missing
Tea Party divided over brewed or steeped
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Tempers rose and tea bags flew everywhere at the
Toyota blames acceleration problem on faulty cup holders
Racist councilman sues himself for slander
SANTA CLARITA, CA – A city councilman who referred to himself as a “proud racist” -– a characterization he vehemently refutes — has sued himself for slander. Councilman Bob Kellar, a former
TheSkunk.org Squeaks to 2nd Place in Annual Humorfeed Satire Awards
Editor-in-Chief Braddon Mendelson swears it’s a real award, and not something he made up just to drive more viewers to his website. Jan 28, 2010 – The name of Bernard Madoff, the disgraced Wall Street
Kellogg’s orders recall after child finds toy inside cereal
Compulsive masturbator banned from sperm bank
DENVER – An area man has been banned from making further donations to the Heritage Sperm Repository. According to records, Oliver Kertockum visited the clinic every day for the last three years. When
Voters disappointed in Brown’s lack of accomplishment in U.S. Senate
BOSTON — Ever since Scott Brown was elected on Tuesday to fill the
Airport screener finds digested tacos in man’s colon
LOS ANGELES — An alert security screener at LAX yesterday discovered
