Featured Poop

Tito Jackson seeks to replace brother as ‘King of Pop’

Tito Jackson seeks to replace brother as ‘King of Pop’

By Editors, The Skunk • on July 3, 2009

LOS ANGELES — Tito Jackson declared himself the new King of Pop today, promising to fill the void in fans’ hearts left by the death of his superstar younger brother. The 55 year-old member of the original Jackson Five said he has prepared for this moment his whole life. “Of course, I never wanted my brother to die,” said Tito,

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Politics

Sanford sent same sex letter to all mistresses

Sanford sent same sex letter to all mistresses

By Editors, The Skunk • on July 1, 2009

COLUMBIA, SC — When Governor Mark Sanford emailed his South American lover, expressing his admiration for “…the curve of your hips, the

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IOUs become official currency of California

IOUs become official currency of California

By Editors, The Skunk • on July 1, 2009

SACRAMENTO — Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today declared that IOUs will be the new currency of the State of California. “Since we can’t print

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GOP removes ‘Family Values’ from Platform

GOP removes ‘Family Values’ from Platform

By Editors, The Skunk • on June 25, 2009

WASHINGTON, DC — The Republican National Committee announced today it will be removing the much-hyped “Family Values” agenda from its platform. Since

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Entertainment

Diahann Carroll and Leslie Uggams slighted in Jackson will

Diahann Carroll and Leslie Uggams slighted in Jackson will

By Editors, The Skunk • on July 2, 2009

HOLLYWOOD — Performers Diahann Carroll and Leslie Uggams expressed their

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Jackson’s black body also found dead

Jackson’s black body also found dead

By Editors, The Skunk • on July 1, 2009

LOS ANGELES – In a sad turn of events, the black body of Michael Jackson was found dead Wednesday, less than a week after his white one departed. The

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Plans intact for Michael Jackson to appear in concert

Plans intact for Michael Jackson to appear in concert

By Editors, The Skunk • on June 27, 2009

LONDON – Faced with the possibility of refunding $85 million in tickets sales, promoters for the concert series that Michael Jackson was preparing

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Business

Madoff looks forward to life after prison

Madoff looks forward to life after prison

By Editors, The Skunk • on June 29, 2009

NEW YORK — Convicted financier Bernie Madoff, sentenced to 150 years for perpetrating the largest financial scam in history, remains optimistic

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Shlockheads mourn loss of pitchman Billy Mays

Shlockheads mourn loss of pitchman Billy Mays

By Editors, The Skunk • on June 28, 2009

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Cases of OxiClean and the Handy Switch have been flying off the shelves in cities around the world, as distraught fans of

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Steven Jobs downloads liver update

Steven Jobs downloads liver update

By Editors, The Skunk • on June 22, 2009

Apple CEO Steven Jobs has downloaded an update to his liver to correct serious vulnerabilities detected in the previous version.  The update includes

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Crime

Woman accused of changing husband’s Sleep Number

Woman accused of changing husband’s Sleep Number

By Editors, The Skunk • on May 31, 2009

DENVER — A Colorado woman was accused of changing her husband’s Sleep Number on the couple’s adjustable Select Comfort mattress.  Arlene

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Gunman targets online university

Gunman targets online university

By Editors, The Skunk • on May 12, 2009

THE INTERNET — Armed with a single Xbox controller, an assailant went on a rampage Tuesday at an online university, firing hundreds of virtual rounds

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University gunman misses everyone

University gunman misses everyone

By Editors, The Skunk • on May 7, 2009

BLOOMINGTON, IN — An armed gunman who went on a rampage at Indiana University on Thursday was unable to

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International

After re-count, Ahmadinejad has 110% of vote

After re-count, Ahmadinejad has 110% of vote

By Editors, The Skunk • on June 30, 2009

TEHRAN — After an exhaustive recount of the election results, the Iranian ruling clerics have determined that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won

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Waterboarding survival classes cancelled by al-Qaida

Waterboarding survival classes cancelled by al-Qaida

By Editors, The Skunk • on April 27, 2009

AFGHAN-PAKISTANI BORDER — Al-Qaida anounced on Monday it will be terminating its Waterboarding Survival course, which has been offered to its members

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Somali pirates based on Disney movie, ride

Somali pirates based on Disney movie, ride

By Editors, The Skunk • on April 12, 2009

HORN OF AFRICA — Referring to themselves as rascals, scoundrels, villains, and knaves, modern-day Somalian

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Religion

Pope gives Bible a second look and says it makes no sense

Pope gives Bible a second look and says it makes no sense

By Editors, The Skunk • on June 16, 2009

VATICAN CITY — Pope Benedict XVI recently re-read the

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Christ’s lover chastises gay marriage opponents

Christ’s lover chastises gay marriage opponents

By Editors, The Skunk • on April 11, 2009

SACRAMENTO — Moses Josephson, the gay lover of Jesus Christ, returned from the dead on Good Friday to plead with anti-gay marriage activists to

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Jesus’ suicide note unearthed

Jesus’ suicide note unearthed

By Editors, The Skunk • on March 1, 2009

JERUSALEM — New archaeological evidence uncovered over the weekend suggests that Jesus was not sentenced

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Recent Stench

Bits of plastic found in backyard may be from Target

BILLINGS, MT — A Montana couple found bits of broken plastic buried on their property that appear to have been parts of disposable forks and knives from a retail Target store. Marv and Harriet Semipole

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Ayatollah accused of rigging ‘Iranian Idol’ contest

TEHRAN — Iranian Grand Ayatollah Sayyid Ali Khamenei has been accused of rigging the results of the popular TV competition “Iranian Idol.”  After singer Fazlullah Mehani amazed Iranian

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Obama kills elk with bare hands

YELLOWSTONE, WY — The response to President Obama’s swatting of a fly with his open palm during an NBC interview was so overwhelming, it prompted him to seek out other animals to kill with his

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GOP elephant switches parties

BALTIMORE — On the heels of Senator Arlen Specter’s jump to the Democratic Party, the GOP Elephant — longtime mascot of the Republicans — has announced he, too, is switching political

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Republicans propose Ayatollah system for U.S.

WASHINGTON, DC – In a speech at a recent Republican fundraiser, former House Speaker New Gingrich proposed that the United States adopt an Iranian-style Ayatollah form of government. “We can keep

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Magic accuse Lakers of greasing balls

After losing the 2009 NBA Finals 4-1, Orlando players have accused the Lakers of applying a foreign substance to the basketball to make it easier for them to score. “Shots that would normally bounce

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Surgeons replace man’s severed penis with his big toe

A man whose penis was severed from his body recently underwent surgery to replace the missing appendage with the big toe from his right foot. John Wentworth Larchmont lost his penis in a freak lawnmower

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Ugly girl asks rapist to prom

Ugly Girl and her Prom Date MINERTON, WI – An ugly girl has asked a convicted sexual offender to be her prom

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Larry King researches guest before interview

LOS ANGELES – CNN host Larry King stunned television viewers last week by researching the background and accomplishments of a guest prior to interviewing him on his popular cable television show. Surfing

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For the Record 002

In a recent article, we referred to the former Vice President as “Prick Cheney.” We regret not coming up with something more clever. AKPC_IDS += "3387,";

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Craigslist to create new section for stalkers, victims

SAN FRANCISCO — Craigslist officials announced today they will be adding a new category exclusively for Stalkers and Victims, in an attempt to make their

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Bad singer sues American Idol for discrimination

TRENTON — An atrocious singer from New Jersey sued the producers of American Idol Thursday, claiming unfair employment practices by hiring only those with strong singing voices to participate in

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Guantanamo detainee new CEO of Chrysler

Guantanamo detainee new CEO of Chrysler DETROIT/GUANTANAMO

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Microsoft becomes newest automaker

SEATTLE — Bill Gates has thrown his hat into the auto manufacturing ring, with the production of Microsoft’s first generation of consumer transportation devices, aptly named “MS Car,

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Specter switches genders

WASHINGTON — Following his surprising switch to the Democratic Party, Senator Arlen Specter announced on Monday that he will no longer identify with the male

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Trump defends Miss California as “Perfectly Doable”

ORANGE COUNTY, CA — The growing controversy as to whether or not Miss California should keep her crown ended today when pageant owner Donald Trump declared the young beauty queen “perfectly

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CDC: Swine flu victims are mainly pigs

ATLANTA — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control have found that 99.9% of the victims of the H1N1 influenza virus, commonly known as the “Swine

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Obama approves sandwich-boarding

WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama issued an Executive Order today approving the use of “Sandwich Boarding” to extract information from suspected

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