John McCain

One of the best kept secrets in Washington was revealed yesterday when John McCain’s heretofore unknown identical twin brother came forward to announce his existence and the fact that he is gay. “I am here, I am queer, and yes, I am a McCain,” said Leopold McCain, to a stunned audience.

Leopold so resembles his brother, down to the lopsided, puffy jowls, that even the Senator’s closest associates can’t tell them apart. Washington insiders were stunned to learn that Leopold often doubles for his brother.

The Senator switches places with his twin only under “extreme circumstances,” according to a family friend. “If he’s scheduled to give a speech in Hartford, for example, but would rather watch the local football game from his home in Arizona, he calls on Leopold. Leopold hops on a plane, goes to the venue and addresses the crowd with his memorized talking points.”

Leopold, who refers to himself as a “performance artist,” knows his brother’s positions on the issues and has studied the way he speaks and gestures.

“About half of John’s speeches in the past two years were actually given by me,” Leopold said, playfully. “Sometimes I have fun with it. Like when I said ‘I don’t know nuthin’ about the economy.’ Boy was my brother pissed. And you know that speech where John talked about what America will look like in a few years? – ME! That speech was so gay, it almost blew my cover.”

It was Leopold, not John, who participated in all the debates. “That Mit Romney is such a bitch, he could be the poster-bitch for bitches.”

Leopold receives no financial compensation from his brother or his campaign. “I’m actually two minutes older than John,” he said. “Even though we’re both 71, I’m still his big brother and I’ll always be there for him.”

There is one way to tell the look-a-like brothers apart. “Okay, okay, I will admit it,” said Leopold. “I wear a cock-ring and have a yellow rose tatooed on my scrotum, and a rainbow tattoo emerging from my ass-crack, encircling my buttocks. Other than that, and the fact that I’ve never had anal sex in prison, we’re completely indistinguishable.”

The next time Senator McCain surprises a crowd by showing a softer, gentler side, chances are he’s just being gay.