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Today is: Wednesday, September 17, 2014

The Onion Endorses Kucinich

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NEW YORK – The normally non-partisan publication “The Onion” has officially endorsed Congressman Dennis Kucinich for president.

“I’m not sure where he stands on the issues,” explained Kevin Dumont, an associate editor, “but he’s hands-down the funniest of the candidates. For starters, look at his name. K’s are funny, everyone knows that. And then — if as a gift from the Gods — his last name ends with ‘inich.’ Say it with me now, ‘President K-U-cinich.’”

“And what about that shoe-polished, black hair-piece,” laughed Hartigan Frotman, an Onion staff writer. “That’s good for maybe two dozen articles right there.”

“We’re not even sure it’s a hair-piece,” added Dumont. “But that makes it even funnier, doesn’t it?”

“Not to mention, he was once the mayor of — get this — Cleveland, which gives us cross-humorization with all our Cleveland material.”

Although admitting a Kucinich presidency is a “long-shot to the point of sheer delusion,” Dumont said they don’t want Americans to forget his name, especially readers of The Onion.

“We’ve already stockpiled, like, a gazillion articles on Kucinich,” said Frotman, “but they only work if he’s sitting behind that desk in the Oval Office come January 20. So we’re doing what we can to get him elected – and not get ourselves fired.”

Should either Senators Obama or McCain become the next president, as is widely expected, Dumont and Frotman said they would undoubtedly face termination for wasting time on unusable topical material. “With the end of the Bush administration only months away, jobs for comedy writers in this country are drying up,” said Frotman. “Maybe I’ll get a job writing for a German sitcom, or one of those crazy Japanese game shows.”

For now, however, they’re still betting on the congressman from Ohio. “Man, as president, he would make our lives so much easier.” Dumont sighed as he reclined in his chair and stared at a file cabinet filled to overflowing with stories on President Kucinich.

“What more could you ask from an elected official?”

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