Bill Clinton

WEST PALM BEACH, FL - A reporter was nearly beaten to death last night, after a confrontation with former president Bill Clinton, who was vacationing in the resort town with his family.

After leaving a Wal-Mart with Hillary and Chelsea, Clinton was approached by Dean Hamilthorne, a reporter with the “Palm Beach High School News.”

Hamilthorne asked the former president if he thought any of his actions or words during the campaign led to his wife’s defeat in the presidential primaries.

President Clinton responded that he was “sick and tired of all you journalists reporting rumor and innuendo.”

When Hamilthorne asked the question a second time in an attempt to get a direct answer, Clinton proceeded to roll up his sleeves and pummel the young journalist in the head.  Witnesses said the president punched Hamilthorne in the face with a clenched left fist, and then followed that with a jab to the reporter’s gut and a blow from the right. The reporter fell to the ground, blood running from his face, but Clinton continued the beating.

He was relentless,” said an onlooker, “He kept pounding away at this poor guy, who was only trying to do his job.”

His “job” was an assignment for his twelfth grade journalism class to interview somebody famous.  “Geez, I was only looking for a quote,” the high school senior would later tell paramedics, before losing consciousness.

Clinton allegedly jumped on Hamilthorne, stomping forcefully on his head with both feet, then repeatedly kicked him in the face and the groin. “Please, no more!” the young reporter was heard to say right before Clinton picked him up, swung him over his head, and hurled him through a huge plate glass window located in front of the store.  “I hope I answered your question,” said the former Commander-in-Chief.

The reporter landed hard on the linoleum, right at the feet of Henry Banks, an elderly employee who, gazing down at the convulsing heap of blood and torn clothing, took a whole thirty seconds before saying, “Welcome to Wal-Mart.”

As Hamilthorne struggled to lift himself off the floor, Clinton returned and kicked him in the head one last time. “And that’s for that sleazy article in Vanity Fair,” said the former president.

Clinton then put his arms around Hillary and Chelsea.  “Prick!” he said, as the automatic exit doors swung open and the Clintons were escorted by the Secret Service into a waiting limousine.

As the limo squealed away, the driver overheard Chelsea tell her father, “Dad, you forgot the chips.”