WASHINGTON, DC—The United States Congress is outsourcing its workload to a contractor in Malaysia, according to a report by the U.S. Government Accountability Office. Beginning this month, the laborious task of lawmaking will be sent to the Tengku Wan Consulting and Sewage Company in Kuala Lumpur.
“It’s a cost-saving measure that should please the American people,” said Congressman Ike Jellbury (D-UT). “The bickering and political in-fighting that occurs on Capitol Hill on a daily basis makes it virtually impossible to accomplish anything. We have roads to repair, schools to build – a lot of pork barrel legislation that gets stuck in the traffic jam that is Washington. But when we ship if off to Malaysia – boom – we get it back next week.”
Senator Sam Blackbelle (R-AR) agrees. “These little Malaysian ladies are meticulous at putting together a bill,” he said. “They work twelve hour days, reading, researching and coming up with viable solutions to the problems facing everyday Americans.”
“Plus, we pay ‘em something like twelve dollars a week, and don’t have to include any employee benefits,” added Jellbury. “The savings are passed back to the American people in the form of increased troop levels in Iraq, remodeling homes of important lobbyists and best of all, more time off for your elected officials.”
The first bill to emerge from the overseas workers was HR-32442, “Increase in Pay and Benefits for Malaysians on Jobs Outsourced from the United States.”
The President was expected to veto the bill, but his job had been outsourced to an orphanage in Antigua Guatemala. After careful consideration, 9-year-old Pepito Sanchez thought it was “muy importante” and signed the legislation into law. He then curled up on the cold, feces covered concrete floor and took a nap, hoping to dream up a solution to the U.S. immigration problem.