John McCain

NEW ORLEANS, LA — John McCain announced today a plan for offshore rigs to pump oil directly into the ocean.

“We already have the technology,” said McCain.  “The United States is the best in the world when it comes to releasing petroleum directly into the seas.  And our experience with the Exxon Valdez and more recently with spills in the Mississippi River, show that we can discharge oil into waterways in an expeditious manner.”

The senator restated the urgency for more offshore drilling, and explained his opposition to traditional methods of oil transport.

“Building more pipelines is an unnecessary expense,” said McCain, “and tankers are most likely to run aground and spill the oil, anyway.”

McCain claims his plan would cut out the middleman and save billions in the process, bypassing traditional modes of delivery by “letting the oil seep into ports across the county, so it can be utilized by those areas that need it the most.”

When asked about potential damage his proposal would cause to coastlines worldwide and the devastating effect it would have on the fishing industry, the Senator responded, “You can buy your seafood at the market, but you can’t fuel your cars with herring.”

He closed his speech by making a sharp contrast between himself and rival candidate Barack Obama.

“Senator Obama wants to invest in alternative energies,” noted McCain.  “But he is misguided.  My friends, we need to drill and spill, and we need to do it now.  Drill and spill our way to energy independence.  Drill and spill for the future of our children and the future of America.”