Culture

WASHINGTON, DC - Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh has undergone the world’s first successful oral-anal transplant.  The procedure, pioneered by Dr. Kenneth Fargonian of Bethesda Naval Hospital, involves surgically removing the patient’s anus and mouth, swapping them with one another, and then reattaching the organs.

“The poor man,” said Dr. Fargonian. “He has been suffering all these years, talking from his rectum and defecating from his mouth.  We’ve now perfected a surgical treatment to correct this genetic abnormality.”

“This breakthrough procedure will help thousands of fascist commentators around the world,” added a hospital spokesperson, “who’ve endured the same debilitating congenital condition as Mr. Limbaugh.”

 Was the operation a success?

“The day Mr. Limbaugh left the hospital, nobody seemed to notice any difference,” said Dr. Fargonian.  “He went to work, did his talk show — he sounded and looked completely normal.  This is indeed the sign of a successful operation.”

Next up for the doctor will be a groundbreaking triple oral- anal- cerebral transplant between Fox News personalities Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity.  “We’ll be repositioning their brains, assholes and mouths into the appropriate locations,” said Fargonian.  “We’re not quite sure yet where everything goes - or who will get which part — but we’re confident the outcome will be a vast improvement.”

A similar procedure was performed last year when doctors unsuccessfully attempted an oral-anal-vaginal transplant on author Ann Coulter.

“Unfortunately, nothing took,” said Fargonian. “So we tried our best to put things back the way they were.”