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Today is: Thursday, October 2, 2014

Sarah Palin to Celebrate Election Victory by Getting Pregnant

Palin Election BabyLEBANON, Ohio — Gov. Sarah Palin expects to win the vice presidency of the United States, and when she does, her fist order of business is to get herself “in a family way” — again.

“How wonderful it would be to conceive a child in the Vice President’s residence?” asked Palin, a mother of two boys and three girls.  “And how even more wonderful would it be to actually go into labor while inside the White House?”

If she plans it right, Palin said she could give birth to as many as five special needs children during her first four-year term.  “I hope to deliver at least one of them in the Lincoln bedroom,” said Palin, “and maybe even a couple in the oval office.”

Her husband was philosophical about his wife’s quest to double the size of their current family.  “We just like to fuck,” he said.  “It don’t matter if it’s Washington, Juneau or in some truck bed in the middle of a road somewhere.  And ‘cause she don’t like no condoms and shit like that, she just keeps poppin’ out them kids.”

“The night after I’m sworn in,” Gov. Palin told her husband, teasingly, “some cute dude who’s married to the first female Vice President is going to get very lucky.”

“If the phone rings at three A.M.,” said Mr. Palin, “and I’m poundin’ away at my wife’s hoohah, I don’t care what part of the world’s going up in flames, they’re gonna have to call back.”

And how will Ms. Palin juggle the challenges of pregnancy with the responsibilities of serving in the nation’s second highest office?  “I’m offended you even asked the question,” said a spokesperson for the McCain campaign.  “Plenty of women throughout this great land have full-time jobs and still manage to give birth on a regular basis. How dare you?  If she were a man, this wouldn’t even be an issue!”

As for Senator McCain, he fully approves of his running mate’s birth plan, calling it “another example of Governor Palin’s commitment to family.”

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