Warren Jeffs Finds Republicanism in Prison

Warren Jeffs Newfound Republicanism

DRAPER, UT — Disgraced cult leader and delusional kiddie-pimp Warren Jeffs, currently serving 10 years to life at Utah State Prison, has started a fresh chapter in his life with the declaration of his newly inspired devotion to the Republican party.  Jeffs attributes his rebirth to the selection of Sarah Palin as McCain’s running mate and “particularly to her pregnant 17-year-old daughter.”

“She has such a beautiful family,” wrote the erstwhile polygamist on his daily blog.  “I feel she really represents me and my issues.  if I make parole in the next ten to twenty years, I’m buying a gas-guzzling SUV and moving to Alaska.”

Those on the extreme right point to this as an indication that their party is one of inclusion.

“Republicans represent all walks of life,” said Senator Larry Craig (R – Idaho). “I have offered to come to his prison cell and personally give my tutelage to Mr. Jeffs, helping him study the Republican platform and teaching him the various signals and cues and foot gestures that he will need to know as he begins to rebrand himself with the GOP.”

Others More Skeptical

“It’s so cliché,” said Henry Durdon, the warden. “A guy comes in here with a rap sheet the size of our national debt, and suddenly — boom — he’s a Republican. I don’t buy it.”

But Jeffs insists he is merely responding to a calling greater than his own.  “I heard a voice,” he wrote in his blog. “It was not God’s voice, but the voice of Dick Cheney. He said ‘Register Republican. You will be greeted as a liberator.'”

Jeffs is scheduled to appear on the “Larry King Show” with Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter, sometime in 2019.