WASHINGTON, DC — Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson announced today that the United States has allotted $200 billion of the recently passed congressional economic bailout to be played on table games in Las Vegas.
“It’s quite simple,” explained Paulson. “We take some of that bailout money and put it on two or three numbers on the roulette wheel. Seven and twelve have been most lucky for me in the past — sometimes seventeen. If any of those numbers comes up, the government walks away with a huge profit — crisis solved.”
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, who will be accompanying Paulson to Vegas, said he would be playing blackjack, which he considered to be “my game.” A familiar face in Sin City, Bernanke said he has chosen to play at McGreedy’s Castle, one of only a handful of casinos that will allow him to enter.
When asked by a reporter whether or not this was the right remedy for our ailing economy, Bernanke elaborated. “The secret,” according to the Fed Chairman, “is knowing when to split and when to double down. If we play our cards right, we could earn back huge profits — as much as twice our investment — overnight.”
“Casinos are the backbone of our economy,” said Paulson, “so it’s essentially a win-win situation. If the U.S. Government wins, Main Street wins — of course, those winnings will be used to restore CEO salaries back to pre-crisis levels. But if the casinos win, that’s good too, because this will only help to spur the lackluster gaming industry, which — as you know — affects every other business in this country.”
“Casino owners are hurting,” added Bernanke. “I know it’s cliché, but how goes Vegas goes the rest of the country.”
Also participating in the Las Vegas trip will be SEC Chairman Christopher Cox, who has been assigned to the craps tables. “We’re not really sure how this game is played,” he admitted, “but it seems if we put several million down on both the ‘Pass’ and ‘Don’t Pass’ bars, we’d have a considerably better opportunity to create wealth than investing in the stock market. We could shore up this economy once and for all.”
“The strategy is simple,” said Paulson, “win big, and we keep playing to multiply the wealth of all Americans by unimaginable factors. Lose big, and we keep playing until we eventually win back our original stake. Either way, if we keep gambling with taxpayers’ dollars, we’re bound to eventually come out ahead, break even or lose everything. It’s a sure thing.”
Senator McCain said we ought to give the strategy a chance. “I know how to win in Vegas,” said McCain. “If you give the waitresses huge tips, you have a better chance of getting lucky.”
Senator Obama called the scheme irresponsible. “I cannot endorse a plan to send our top money men to Las Vegas to gamble away our treasury,” he said in a written statement, “without even a single visit to the poker table.”
McCain seized on the opportunity to criticize his opponent. “Senator Obama would pull us out of the casinos in defeat,” he said, “but if I’m president, we will stay in Las Vegas until conditions on the floor dictate a favorable outcome, to return home with dignity, and perhaps a new 2009 Toyota.”
Gamble, baby, gamble!