Republican Scientists Claim Gravity a Scam

WASHINGTON — The Republican National Committee’s Scientific Advisory Board today issued a report negating claims of an “invisible force that pulls things toward the center of the Earth.”

“Sheer nonsense,” said the director of the board, Dr. Johann Brouhah, PhD. “Al Gore and his so called ‘Scientists’ are so sure that gravity exists, yet they completely ignore the fact that heavy things just naturally drop.”

In testimony made before the Pismo Beach Chamber of Commerce, Dr. Brouhah said, “There is no gravity. For the past ten thousand years, Earth has gone through a period where heavy things fall downward. Every home-schooled child knows that. There is no invisible force. These fairy-tale promoting, everybody-should-have-health-care liberals would have you believe in some supernatural mumbo-jumbo that the larger the planet, the more powerful this mythical, pseudo-scientific pulling effect.”

“I have personally made over seven thousand mathematical calculations,” he continued, “and none of them supports this alleged ‘Theory of Gravity’ — something that was first proposed by a tree-hugger named Isaac Newton over 400 years ago. Applying this ancient mysticism to today’s world are the same feed-the-hungry, shelter-the-homeless progressives who keep ruining our economy. If these gun-controlling, protect-the-rain-forest freethinkers spent more time locating places to drill for oil and less time watching ‘Star Wars,’ this country would be a lot better off.”

Dr. Brouhah ended his testimony by telling officials that his goal for the rest of his life is to “stamp out this whimsical fantasy of gravity” so that after he dies, his spirit will “float up into heaven, where I will be met with a chorus of singing angels who will lead me on a shimmering path to visit my deceased relatives.”