Israel Surrenders; Agrees to Vacate Holy Land by End of Month

TEL AVIV — An unexpected resolution to the conflict in the Middle East occurred over the weekend as Israeli leaders agreed it was time to pack up and move on.

“We’ve had a prosperous 60 years, turning a hellish desert into an oasis of milk and honey,” said a spokesperson for the Jewish state. “Now it’s time to venture forward, to seek out new challenges.”

Israel handed over its keys to the Palestinians, along with the codes to its nuclear arsenal. “It’s all yours now,” said Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert in a telephone conversation with Hamas leader Sheikh Ahmed Yassin. “Enjoy the beautiful country we leave you.”

Although Israel was allowed to stay until the end of the month, the Palestinians have already begun disassembling the infrastructure, replacing roads and bridges with vast rocky terrain and sand dunes. Once prolific fruit orchards are being deprived of water and allowed to rot away. “It’s a bit of a fixer-upper,” admitted Yassin, “but we love the location.”

As Israel packed up its final belongings, loading the last few boxes onto a U-Haul trailer, the question remained: Where next?

“Maybe Monaco… or something Vatican-adjacent,” said Olmert, as he knelt to the ground and kissed the soil in a symbolic farewell to his erstwhile homeland.

“We don’t need a lot of room.”

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