Cheney: Somali Pirates Responsible for 9/11

CASPER, Wyo. ( — Former vice-president Dick Cheney said in an interview Monday that the Somali pirates who have been wreaking havoc on commercial shipping off the coast of East Africa are responsible for the World Trade Center attacks of September 11, 2001.

“We know they had been plotting to hijack huge ships and ram them into skyscrapers in several metropolitan centers across the U.S.,” said Cheney. “We also know they have been stockpiling weapons of mass destruction at the bottom of the Indian Ocean that will be assembled aboard their fleet of Iranian-built nuclear submarines.”

Cheney said he is absolutely, positively, correct about this.  To back up his assertions, he produced images his staff downloaded from Google Earth, and pointed to what appeared to be ridges under the sea.  “Those aren’t ridges,” he explained.  “They’re WMDs.”

He said the weapons of mass destruction were stockpiled by the Somali pirates, who can breathe underwater with special mermaid fins they have in their necks.  “Pirates present a clear and present security threat to our homeland,” he said. “Americans are less safe today against pirate attacks than they were under the Bush administration.”

Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh concurred. “Liberals in Congress are going to allow Somali pirates to take over our businesses, manhandle our women and destroy our Judeo/Christian way of life,” he told his audience, “all under the misguided doctrine of ‘civil rights.'”

Cheney advised President Obama to follow the precedent set by President George W. Bush and send troops to the bottom of the Indian Ocean to gather the weapons and subdue the pirates.

“It’s important that we rout out these combatant pirates and restore democracy to Pirate Land,” added the former Vice President. “Unfortunately, I doubt the current administration has the balls.”