Christ's Lover Chastises Gay Marriage Opponents

SACRAMENTO — Moses Josephson, the gay lover of Jesus Christ, returned from the dead on Good Friday to plead with anti-gay marriage activists to cease their activities.

Josephson, who wasn’t mentioned in the bible (“they cut out my scene”), implored Christ’s “flock” to stop worrying about controlling other people’s behavior, and start working more on their own.¬† “With so much hatred in the world,” he said, “we should be encouraging God’s children to love one another, not prohibiting them from expressing their love.”

The Holy Shepherd’s life partner said that Jesus was particularly hurt by the way people invoked his name for the sake of discrimination. “Jesus loves everybody,” he said, “– straight men, gay men, male firefighters… ¬†especially the ones with well-defined abs.”

Josephson claimed that he and Jesus are “keen on each other,” and that their intimate relationship has continued long after their souls departed this planet.

“Though we are no longer in our physical bodies,” he explained, “our sex life is out-of-this-world.”

Josephson is scheduled to meet with the Pope on Tuesday to present a video he produced, where he and Jesus demonstrate how to properly use a condom. “We hope to sell it as a pilot for the DIY channel.”

Josephson says he plans to attend at least one performance of “Wicked” prior to ascending back to Jesus at the end of the month.

“People who’ve seen that show tell me it’s like they’ve died and gone to heaven,” he said. “We shall see.”

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