SAN FRANCISCO — Craigslist officials announced today they will be adding a new category exclusively for Stalkers and Victims, in an attempt to make their Adult Services section safer for call girls, hookers and erotic masseuses.
The popular internet marketplace, where users can find employment, sell antiques and have sex with strangers, said they are responding to pressure from law enforcement agencies by banning perpetrators from the erotic section and giving them their own category.
“We are committed to making Craigslist a safe community,” said a company spokesperson, “where a guy can get jacked-off by a desperate college girl or blown by an old man in diapers, without the fear of being victimized.”
“‘Bout time they kicked these bastards out of our section,” said Louise Tilamounge, a Los Angeles-based prostitute and frequent Craigslist user. “Over ninety-percent of my business is generated from my ads on CL.” Tilamounge cleared her throat, then coughed up a green phlegm ball and spit it into the gutter. “I don’t need no wise-ass stalker showin’ up on my doorstep at three a.m.”
Tilamounge’s cleverly titled ad, “L*CK MY P*SSY AND F*CK MY *SS,” has been running on the Craigslist site for five consecutive years.
“Where else could a crack whore with gonorrhea be able to generate this amazing amount of business with practically no overhead?” asked the spokesperson. “Miss Tilamounge is a Craigslist success story.”
The jury is still out on the effectiveness of the new strategy. So far, would-be predators seem reluctant to post ads in the new category.
“It kinda takes away the element of surprise,” said Antwon Earl Bellamy, a parolee convicted on multiple sex charges. “I don’t know a stripper anywhere in the world who would knowingly let a guy carve his name on her abdomen with razor wire.”
Bellamy, previously known as the “Tummy Blood Signer,” said he would take a “wait-and-see” approach to the new section.