WASHINGTON — Following his surprising switch to the Democratic Party, Senator Arlen Specter announced on Monday that he will no longer identify with the male gender, and will be joining the ranks of congressional females.
“I have found of late that I am identifying more closely with the women in the Senate than the men,” said Specter, “and I am proud to stand here today as one of them.”
The U.S. Senate Women’s Caucus said they would consider admitting Specter to their ranks, but only if he undergoes a “full and complete transformation.”
“We want the senator to do more than merely dress the part,” said Dianne Feinstein (D-CA). “Sure, we appreciate the taffeta ensemble with the bold prints, but we’ll need to see a complete physical transformation before we accept him into our exclusive group.”
Some of Feinstein’s colleagues weren’t so subtle. “Cock or caucus, you can’t have it both ways,” said Claire McCaskill (D-MO). “The choice is his — or hers… whatever…”
Specter agreed to the condition, but cautioned that just becuase he will commit himself to an extreme gender makeover doesn’t mean he will always side with the other females in Congress. He insisted his Senate record will continue to reflect his independence.
“Even after the hormones kick in,” said Specter, “I’ll be voting the issues based on my morals, not my breasts.”