SEDONA, AZ — Senator John McCain today announced plans to build his own presidential library, despite the fact that he is not — and has never been — the president.
“Americans deserve to hear the truth,” said the Arizona war hero, “about what would have happened had voters chosen me to be the leader of the free world.”
Set to be the country’s first presidential research facility to conjecture a hypothetical history of the country, “The John McCain If I Were President Library and Center for UFO Research” will chronicle the direction of the United States from the years 2009-2013, if John McCain were to have won the 2008 presidential election.
“We will present the election in such a way,” said McCain, “where it is plausible that I ended up the clear and decisive winner.”
Guests will experience the revised history of every aspect of the Senator’s life, from his graduating at the top of his class at Annapolis to the way he saved the nation from teetering on the brink of a depression with his stunning economic policies and cool head.
In the exhibit entitled “IRAQ: Our 51st State,” visitors will explore how McCain’s “Surge” strategy brought about the conditions that lead to the Islamic country becoming part of America. A state-of-the-art movie theater will present “My Friends, the Surge is Working” — a dramatic, detailed account of how many times he used the word “surge” during the campaign.
In addition, plans are being made to include an emotional tribute to McCain’s military service in Vietnam without the “baggage” of authenticity.
“The Senator will be depicted as an ace fighter pilot,” said a spokesperson, “who escaped from a North Vietnamese prison and rescued ten-thousand Americans from the jungles of Southeastern Asia.”
Perhaps the most anticipated aspect of the exhibition will occur after the Senator passes away. McCain has left instructions that upon his death his body is to be preserved and put on permanent display inside a life-size mock-up of the Oval Office, where he will be depicted celebrating his landlside re-election in 2012.
Some critics have already objected to the proposed exhibit, calling it exploitative and in bad taste.
McCain, however, disagrees. “It’ll be the American equivalent of Lenin’s tomb,” he laughed. “Hopefully, people won’t be spitting on me as they pass by and calling me dirty names in Russian.”