COLUMBIA, SC — When Governor Mark Sanford emailed his South American lover, expressing his admiration for “…the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself,” he was certain the carefully chosen words would turn the heat up on their sexually charged relationship.
But when Maria Belen Chapur, the Argentinian journalist to whom the email was directed, learned the letter was identical to the ones Sanford had been sending to at least thirteen other women over a twenty year period, she became infuriated.
“I will never suck his dick again,” she said, “that piece of shit.”
Sandford admitted he originally composed the letter for submission to Penthouse Forum in 1985. “They didn’t print it,” he said. “But it was good writing, powerful, sexy — really great stuff and I didn’t want to waste it.”
For the next two decades, according to a staffer close to Sanford, whenever the governor was involved with a new sexual partner, he’d send “that letter.”
Over time, Sanford learned “what worked and what didn’t work.” After years of trial and error, he had the perfect sex note.
“His emails were totally hot,” confessed one of his mistresses, a hairstylist from South Africa. “When he refered to my ‘erotic beauty,’ it made me all warm and buttery inside.”
Sanford was shocked when the press obtained the email and published it on the internet. He said he now recognizes the great hurt he caused all the women he’s cheated with.
“Sending them all the same letter was morally corrupt,” he lamented. “The bonds of trust between me and my illicit sexual conquests have been irreparably damaged.”
For Chapur, the betrayal was personal. “Who else has ‘erotic beauty’?” she demanded. “I want to meet these other women and tear them a new asshole. Then we will see what the governor thinks of their ‘erotic beauty.'”
Sanford apologized for his lack of originality and made a promise to Chapur and to all his mistresses — “former, current, and future” — that from now on he would only send them “unique innuendo, tailored to their specific sexual attributes.”