Suicide Note Reveals Poor Grammar

Suicide Note

RAMSDELL, MO — A suicide note left by a local man demonstrated a remarkably poor understanding of syntax and grammar, according to authorities.

The single-sentence, handwritten note, found next to the man’s charred remains, conveyed a perplexing farewell message: “sumbuddy plez com fer help me wit liteing ferness.”

Police identified the victim as Harvey Telassendry, 38, a warehouse trainee for Goodwill Industries.

Investigators are still unsure of the manner in which Telassendry took his life, but Detective James Bannerhaus said the suicide note was a sad commentary on our education system.

“Most people this dumb have trouble navigating through society,” said Bannerhaus. “How this guy managed to finish high school and lead a productive, full-functioning life is beyond me.”

Telassendry’s high school teacher expressed her embarrassment upon reading the badly written missive.

“It’s disheartening that one of my former students would draft a letter with such lack of conciseness and coherency,” admitted Arlene Nelson, who has taught special education classes for more than twenty years. “Had I been aware of his difficulty in forming a simple, cohesive sentence, I never would have let him graduate.”

Despite the shock at Tellasandry’s lack of proficiency in literary composition, Nelson said there are positive lessons to be learned from the ordeal

“The next time a student asks me if ‘spelling counts,’” she said, “I will remind them of the suicide of Mr. Telassendry, and how – because of his indecipherable message — we’ll never know why he did it.”

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