SANTA CLARITA, CA — Researchers at College of the Canyons have released results to a study suggesting that human boogers may contain stem cells with similar regenerative qualities to those of embryos.
The study was published in the biennial “Journal of Undergraduate Accomplishment,” which hailed the findings as a “breakthrough discovery.”
“The hard, crusty ones show the most promise,” explained Professor Ivan Treskimonauche, head of the science department at the two-year community college. “But results are still coming in on the slimy, sticky ones, and there may be hope for those, too.”
The seven-year study followed a sample of 200 undergraduate students afflicted with Rhinotillexomania, the scientific term for nose-picking. The students were instructed to save their “earnings” in specially coated Petri dishes.
Once in the lab, the boogers were rammed up the rectal cavities of arthritic rats, which immediately began running around their cages “like they were six weeks old, again.”
“Boogers are in abundance in our population,” according to Treskimonauche. “As a species, we produce hundreds of millions of the mucous pebbles every day, which are merely discarded on furniture, bedding, carpets and kitchen counter tops – and in much greater quantities than embryos.”
Treskimonauche contends that if the curative powers of boogers could be harnessed, human life expectancy could be extended indefinitely, asserting that our destiny as a species “lies up our noses.”
“The next time your sinuses are plugged and you feel like your head is about to explode,” he advised, “instead of wishing you were dead, think of the lives you could be saving.”
A spokesperson from conservative organization “Save an Embryo, Kill a Convict” called the research a miracle, claiming that “God has given man boogers for a reason,” and declaring embryonic stem call research a “crack-pot science.”
Treskimonauche remains hopeful about the future of booger stem cell research, and has convinced school administrators to offer courses in the new field.
“From this day forward, when someone declares they received a degree in nose-picking from our fine institution,” lamented Treskimonauche, “they’ll be taken seriously.”