God Hates Newt Gingrinch

God Hates Newt

NEW YORK — The Lord God disclosed today in an interview with Keith Olbermann that he “really, really” despises former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich.

“I know I’m supposed to love everybody,” noted the King of Kings on Olbermann’s Countdown show on MSNBC, “but there are exceptions.”

The Ruler of the Universe said that while his long standing policy is to stay out of day-to-day human affairs, he may have to intervene in the case of Gingrich, whom he referred to as the “mother-of-all-assholes.”

“What do I have to do to get that guy to shut up?” he asked, in his famous reverberating bellow. “He’s such a total – what’s the word I’m looking for?”

“Douchebag?” asked Olbermann.

“Yes, yes,” replied God. “Douchebag.”

God told Olbermann he hadn’t yet decided how to deal with the ultra-conservative newsmaker. He downplayed his experience at smiting and creating locust infestations and devastating floods, hinting instead at the possibility of a lesser-renowned punishment. “Let’s just say when a certain ex-congressman drops trou for his next medical exam, he will know what cold really is.”

Next up for the Almighty will be guest appearances on Meet the Press on ABC, Face the Nation on CBS and the Jon Stewart Show on Comedy Central. He declined an invitation by FOX News to be interviewed on The O’Reilly Factor, stating he was limiting his Divine presence to “real news organizations.”


  1. Delbert Dimwinkle says:

    I just read on a “breaking news” internet bulletin, that when the “lightning bolt” of Heavenly “proclamation” struck Gingrich, he immediately dropped his plans to build a “Yarmulke” factory…………It has also been reported that he is growing bilaterly symmetrical “fins” in the thorax part of his body………….Thereby becoming a “real NEWT”!!…….This does sound “fishy” to me, and I’ll need confirmation……….

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