LOS ANGELES — An alert security screener at LAX yesterday discovered the digested remains of two crunchy tacos concealed inside a passenger’s colon as he was preparing to board a flight for San Francisco.
“I noticed this guy moving kinda slowly,” said TSA Officer Allan Parzdell. “His stomach seemed to be extended slightly, he was loosening his belt, and he had an unsettling expression on his face.”
Although profiling is prohibited by TSA regulations, Parzdell detected something “wasn’t right.” He quickly pulled the man out of line and brought him into an examination room, where he instructed the passenger to strip out of his clothes. Using a latex glove, Parzdell said he carefully inserted his hand “just past my wrist” into the suspect’s rectum.
When he extricated his hand, Parzdell said he was stunned to find a brown, odiferous substance sticking to his glove. “I wasn’t able to identity it at first,” said Parzdell, “but under closer examination I noticed microscopic crunchy bits hidden in the mix.” Parzdell believed the bits to be pieces of hardened tortilla.
Further testing at the TSA laboratory later that day confirmed Parzdell’s suspicion. The passenger had been attempting to board a domestic flight with the digested Mexican delicacy – identified as the remnants of a ‘Taco Supreme’ – covertly secured inside his intestines.
Airport police arrived on the scene and detained the passenger, who at that point was in the midst of disposing of the evidence by forcing it from his bowels with a series of grunts and abdominal squeezes.
“He had chemically transformed the tomatoes, beef and cheese into a dark viscous substance to avoid detection,” explained Parzdell, who was amazed at the passenger’s ability to push the contraband out of his body “using only his internal organs.”
Parzdell believes it was a skill the passenger could only have learned from Al Qaeda. “Fortunately, there was enough evidence left inside him to prove our case, and keep the American air traveler safe another day.”