TOLEDO, Ohio — Superbowl XLIV has been delayed indefinitely today, to give dock worker Harry Archburn enough time to purchase his first HD television set, return home and install it, without missing any of the big game.
“We’re happy to push back the kickoff time so that Mr. Archburn won’t have to miss a second of the exciting play-by-play broadcast,” said Commissioner Roger Goodell in a press conference early this morning. “The NFL wants every American to be able to enjoy the game in breathtaking high-definition.”
Archburn, who has spent the entire morning inside a Best Buy store, says he is still undecided between LCD and plasma. “I thank the NFL for giving me this extra time,” he said. “This is a complicated decision, and I want to get it right, but I would just kill myself if I had to miss any of the action.”
New Orleans’ quarterback Drew Brees approves of the delay, saying that Archburn should take as long as he needs. Brees is willing to push the Super Bowl to Monday, if necessary, so Archburn can set up his cable box and install the speakers.
“It’s a substantial purchase,” acknowledged Brees, “and we’d hate to see him rush into something that won’t give him the crisp, clear quality we all expect from today’s HDTV.”
Colts’ quarterback Peyton Manning agrees. “Just knowing he’ll be there with us from the opening kick-off makes it worth postponing the game for a few hours, days, or however long it takes.”
Not eveyone is as enthusiastic about the decision. “This Archburn guy’s killing me,” said Mario “Potato” Johnston, who performs inside a hot, padded costume portraying “Blue,” the Colt’s colorful mascot. “I just want to get home as soon as possible, strip out of that fucking horse blanket and take a shower.”
At one point, Archburn thought he had found the “perfect little tv,” but wasn’t sure if the dimensions would fit his wall. He drove home, measured the space and returned. “Good thing I didn’t buy that one,” he said. “It never would have fit.”
Best Buy has issued a statement, guaranteeing delivery and installation within 24 hours of purchase. In the meantime, CBS said it will air reruns of season three of “Survivor” up until the time Archburn and his new set are ready to go.