MEXICO CITY–A cargo ship carrying ten thousand cases of Trojan brand condoms was torpedoed yesterday by a Vatican warship and sank to the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico.
Pope Benedict ordered his heavily armed battleship, the SS Holy Ghost, to fire at the merchant ship, after learning that its cargo would prevent thousands of unwanted pregnancies and the spread of AIDS — the deadly scurge God sent to Earth to force homosexuals into the clergy.
The entire shipment of 40 million condoms was completely lost.
The Vatican issued a statement, regretting the deaths of the 26 crewmen aboard the sunken vessel, but noted that it was a small sacrifice to make so that “millions of fetuses will have the opportunity to grow up and be touched by the Church.”
A spokesperson for Church & Dwight Co., Inc, makers of the popular prophylactics, called the attack “unprovoked” and “an act of war.” The company has initiated a multi-million dollar lawsuit against the Vatican and said it will no longer provide free condoms to priests.