Increase in Contract Killings Sign of Economic Recovery

WASHINGTON ( — A new study conducted by the U.S. Department of Commerce shows a connection between an increase in contract killings — so-called “murders for hire” — and the latest upward tick in the economy.

According to the DOC, the number of citizens murdered by hired gun has risen by 1.5% over last year, while unemployment for the same time period has dropped by a similar amount.

“Not only are there more contract killings,” said a DOC spokesperson, “but the fees associated with this service have also gone up dramatically.”

The median rate to knock-off a relative or friend in 2008 was $1000.00; today, according to the report, most hitmen won’t even rough a guy up for under two grand.

Economists have yet to agree on an explanation for the correlation between the reviving economy and the booming kill-for-hire trade, but Dr. Dan Farthamen, a professor of economics at the renowned Wharton School, believes it goes far beyond merely having “all these well-compensated murderers spending their hard-earned proceeds at the local Wal-Mart.”

“It’s a matter of ‘Supply and Demand,'” he declared. “Economics 101.”

“For every victim who’s liquidated, there’s one less worker competing for the same number of jobs,” explained the respected economist in a telephone interview.  “Thus, as more people are whacked for profit, the ratio of jobs-to-workers goes up.”

In addition to the immediate eradication of job seekers, Farthamen was quick to point out the “long-term economic benefits” brought about by the free-lance killing community, whose ranks include mercenaries, gangsters, hatchet men, and that mild-mannered accountant who lives down the street.

“In ten or twenty years, when a contractor in the current pool of professional assassins is apprehended and eventually executed,” he said, “that translates to yet another potential employee knocked out of the job market.”

“And it’s permanent,” noted Farthaman.  “They don’t start looking for work when their unemployment runs out.”

“It’s a ‘you-die, I-win’ situation,” he added.