SEATTLE (TheSkunk.org) — The plans of a disgruntled accountant to kill his co-workers with a handgun and then take his own life were foiled Thursday, when the distraught and confused sociopath mistakenly pulled the trigger on himself first.
After being demoted for poor performance, Herb Schrengel, an internal auditor with Paine & Botte Accountancy, plotted revenge on the entire company. According to police, Schrengel had purchased a Smith and Wesson .45 caliber handgun with which he was planning to first kill all his co-workers and then himself — in that order.
But Schrengel’s scheme started to unravel from the outset. When he arrived at the office to inform colleagues of his murder-suicide plan, they taunted him.
“We said things like, ‘You don’t have the balls to kill yourself,'” recalled one junior auditor, “and ‘go ahead, loser, pull the trigger… we dare you.'”
“I thought he was bluffing,” recounted Senior Partner Allen Paine. “And I called him on it.”
“You’re not going to kill yourself,” Paine told the disturbed employee. “Once you’ve slaughtered us like defenseless lambs, you’re going to walk out of here and lead a full and productive life. That’s your real objective, isn’t it?”
“Shut up!” replied the gunman.
“I said, ‘Shut up!'”
“What proof do we have that you’re going to blow your head off after you’ve done us all in?” continued Paine. “What guarantees do we have that you’ll keep your word once we’re all dead?”
According to eyewitnesses, his boss’s lack of trust caused Schrengel to break out in a cold sweat. “I have two guarantees,” he replied, as he raised the gun with a trembling hand. “Smith. And Wesson.”
“Who writes your dialogue?” shouted a voice from across the room, “Your momma?” Spontaneous cries of “Loser! Loser!” filled the 14th floor office suite, followed by “Fucking psychopath!” and “Murder this, you retard!”
Infuriated with the teasing, Schrengel declared, “This is not a joke!”
“We dare you to kill yourself,” someone answered back. “We double dare you!”
“Double dare you! Double dare you!” everyone shouted in unison.
Despite the taunts, Schrengel raised the pistol and held it tightly in his fist. “We’re all going to die, today,” he told his fellow employees. “All of you and all of me.”
He pivoted around the entire office, aiming the gun at each individual. “You’re going to die, and you’re going to die, and you’re going to die.” He repeated the mantra to each worker, in an apparently unsuccessful attempt to instill fear and terror into their hearts. “And when I’m done with all of you, it’ll be my turn.” He aimed the gun at his own forehead for emphasis.
“You can’t kill us all,” advised a guy in the corner cubicle. “That gun only holds eight rounds, maybe ten. The best you could do is take out the back row, maybe a couple of temps.”
Before the deranged bean-counter could raise an eyebrow, an ear-shattering blast was heard, causing employees to dive for cover under their desks.
“Shit!” said Schrengel, who realized his mistake a fraction of a second too late.
His lifeless body slumped to the ground with a hollow thump — a stark reminder of the murder-suicide that never was.
And why the “suicide” part always comes last.