DOVER, DE — Images of anti-masturbation crusader Christine O’Donnell, the Tea Party’s newest phenomenon, are preferred two-to-one over those of Sarah Palin, according to a survey of 1000 compulsive masturbators.
The participants in the “Best to Come” survey sponsored by CNN and the New York Times — all men between the ages of 18 and 80 — overwhelmingly preferred to objectify the Republican Tea-Party senate nominee from Delaware than the failed governor of Alaska and defeated vice presidential candidate.
“She belongs in the ‘Tease Party,'” quipped one of the surveyed masturbators when describing O’Donnell. “Those perky lips clearly weren’t created for oratory.”
“Every time she says ‘masturbation is a sin,’ I masturbate,” explained a college freshman from Virgina, who admitted having O’Donnell’s picture hanging opposite the toilet in his dorm bathroom. “And when she talks so seductively about the growing federal deficit, something else starts growing, as well — if you know what I mean.”
The study shows that subscriptions to adult magazines and visits to pornographic websites have dropped dramatically since O’Donnell won the Republican primary election earlier this month.
“Why subscribe to Penthouse,” asked another survey participant, “when you can share a few erotic moments with her on FOX News or the Bill Maher show?”
“What does Christine O’Donnell have in common with my penis?” joked the university student. “Every time they make a public appearance, they’re whacked!”
O’Donnell hasn’t yet responded to the survey, but Palin issued a statement condemning the study, asserting that compulsive masturbation “sounds like socialism to me.”