William and Kate Promise to Restore Medieval Values to Monarchy

LONDON (TheSkunk.org) — As Prince William and Kate Middleton prepare to recite their wedding vows, Britain’s newest pair of royals have laid out plans to return their nation to the totalitarian rule enjoyed by their countrymen in the 15th century.

“Once he ascends to the throne as the rightful King of England,” declared Middleton, “my husband will be able to dissolve parliament, isn’t that right?”

William nodded. “With the stroke of a pen, my dear — a quill pen, plucked from the finest goose in all the land — those stodgy old men will be placed in stockades.”

“And replaced with our own cruel, self-aggrandizing decrees?” she asked.

“Whatever pleases her majesty.”

The soon-to-be Duchess of Cambridge said she admires the dark and ruthless history of her betrothed’s ancestors, lamenting that in recent centuries, however, the royal family has been reduced to ceremonial “rubbish.”

“My husband and I will rule the British Isles without mercy,” said Middleton, who claims to never have seen a beheading. “We’ve lost much of what it means to be omnipotent despots over the last few centuries, and we are determined to rediscover the magic.”

She laughed wickedly, before giving the Prince a peck on the cheek.

“And then I want to get those things back — what are they called, again?”

“The colonies,” replied William.

“Yes, the colonies. I want them back. But not just those measly little thirteen, I want them all the way to the Pacific coast — all 67 of them. Screw that George Washington; he’ll have to deal with me.”

“Whatever pleases my Queen.” William seemed eager to accommodate his bride, promising to reclaim the Americas in her name and bring “fear and awe” back to the monarchy. “It’s our manifest destiny!”

“My husband is so amazing,” said Middleton, with a school-girl giggle. “He’s promised me the moon and the stars.”

“And her very own guillotine,” added William.