Although you may be disappointed that Reverend Camping’s May 21 doomsday deadline came and went, and those annoying prosylethesizers down the street are still walking the Earth — body parts intact — rest assured your day is yet to come.
Here’s a handy list of future world events that are certain to leave you with at least as much fulfillment as that Rapture thing:
- June 4th: THE RUPTURE — Humanity will be engulfed in one giant hiatal hernia.
- July 22nd: THE FLAPTURE — People wearing long john underwear will have the sudden urge to use an outhouse.
- August 14th: THE VELOCIRAPTURE — Dinosaurs will emerge from the ground and become extinct again due to global warming.
- September 18th: THE CLAPTURE — This one’s not pretty. Stock up on penicillin.
- October 19th: THE APERTURE — Everyone will suddenly look like their driver’s license photo.
- October 31st: THE PUNKTURE — Everyone will suddenly be wearing a Ramones T-Shirt and safety pins in their earlobes.
- November 20th: THE LAPTURE — Married men will mysteriously find themselves straddled by undulating exotic dancers.
- December 25th: THE SPHINCTURE — It will be revealed that all our neighborhoods have been purchased by Donald Trump.