STILLWATER, MINN (The Skunk) — Rep. Michele Bachmann today said that if she becomes president, she would replace NASA’s erstwhile space shuttle program with angels from heaven.
“Everyone knows that angels can fly,” said the conservative lawmaker and Tea Party favorite. “They have big wings, don’t require fuel and work for free.”
According to Bachmann, she and her husband have a direct connection with the angels and would coordinate the various missions directly from the White House.
“We could send the angels to Mars and beyond,” she said. “With their little angel cameras, they would take pictures and bring them back to show us what the planets look like. We’d even send them to Saturn so they can bring back some of that great cheese.”
Bachmann contends the angel space program would save the government billions of dollars — money she would then use to convert the Jews to Christianity.
“Although Jews often seem to have no interest in becoming Christians,” she noted, “it’s only because they haven’t found a way to profit from it. If we give the Jews all the money we save by replacing costly government scientists with angels, they’ll be tripping over their noses to get baptized.”
In addition to “astronaut angels,” Bachmann envisions angels building bridges and railroads, and “fighting our wars,” without any cost to the taxpayer. She said she would send angels to Iran to kill President Ahmadinejad, and then bring them back to Washington to turn the Federal Reserve building into a pillar of salt. “I would be commander-in-chief of an all angel army, with angel tanks and angel aircraft carriers.”
In a Bachmann administration, angels will be used to carry out all her policy objectives. “These little guys are awesome,” she said. “They can even enter a woman’s uterus and prevent a pregnancy from being terminated.”
Bachmann also plans to use angels to promote heterosexual family values. “The angels will end same-sex marriage by flying to a gay wedding ceremony and — right before the couple says ‘I do’ — changing one of them to the opposite sex.”
According to Bachmann, angels are currently working under her direction to help her defeat Obama in 2012. “Once they wave their wands and turn the President into a swamp turtle, they will whisper into the ears of voters and convince them all to vote for me.”
“And,” she added, “prevent those Negroes and Mexicans from getting to the polls.”