AMSTERDAM — In a reversal on a policy that dates back over 1300 years, Zombies are no longer required to lift and hold their arms outstretched in front of themselves.
Paul Bernsauer, President of the International Alliance of Zombies and Swamp Monsters told reporters that his memberships had been complaining for centuries about the now-abandoned practice.
“You ever try keeping your arms up like that for four or five hours?” asked one Zombie, who asked not to be identified. “It’s freakin’ painful.”
According to Bernsauer, Zombies will still be required to march “straight-legged, without bending their knees” when approaching potential victims.
“That signature menacing hobble will always be around,” he noted, “but we really saw no benefit in retaining the whole arms-out-in-front-of-you thing.”
The Motion Picture Producers Guild has filed a complaint against the union, trying to get them to reinstate the arm extension routine.
“This will absolutely ruin 3-D horror movies,” complained noted horror director Brian DePalma, who said he likes to make films that are as realistic as possible. “If we can’t show decaying arms reaching in toward an audience, we might as well go back those flat, two-dimensional films of yesteryear.”
“Zombies don’t go around with their arms at their sides,” he added. “It’s just not right.”