CONCORDE, NH — A group of dogs claimed responsibility for the bombing Thursday of a spay & neuter clinic run by a prominent veterinarian. In a statement released today, the canines accused the clinic of performing mandatory sterilizations, which they called “an egregious overreach of local government” and “regulation run rampant.”
The explosive device was composed of fertilizer the dogs apparently made themselves. It leveled the clinic and everything else in a three block radius.
“The Mayor has no right to cut off our doggie balls,” woofed Henry, a 2-year-old Boston Terrier and the leader of the group, “and deny us the ability to lick our doggie balls — or the doggie balls of other dogs.”
Dr. Harold Johnson defiantly promised to continue his spay and neuter practice, saying he would not be “intimidated by a pack of four-legged extremists.”
“These dogs are animals!” asserted Johnson. “Their misguided attempts to stop me from removing their testicles for the good of society won’t be effective.”
The dogs warned that any veterinarian who performs the procedure will be held accountable for their actions. “Sterilizationists like Dr. Johnson are murdering millions of puppies,” declared Milo, a Chow-Boxer mix, “innocent victims who will never see the inside of a crate, hump a stranger’s leg, or sniff the joyous aroma of an inviting anal gland.”
Milo then jumped onto a sofa and mounted a throw pillow.
Henry curled up next to him and licked his doggie balls, wondering — as always — if this would be the last time.