AUSTIN, TX– The GOP presidential candidates believe the Ten Commandments are nothing more than job-killing over-regulation, and have vowed to repeal at least five of them.
Although Governor Rick Perry won a 2005 Supreme Court battle allowing God’s ten famous laws to be displayed publicly at the State Capitol, he believes only nine are necessary, and one of them “should never have been handed down in the first place.”
“If God looked into the eyes of a little girl who lost her mother to a heinous crime,” said Perry, “he would understand why Texas has the highest rate of executions in the country, and he would reverse his position on commandment number five, ‘Thou Shall Not Kill’ — or at least give Texas a waiver.”
While Mitt Romney has not taken an official position on the heavenly prohibition against murder, he announced he would issue an executive order reversing the seventh commandment on his first day in office, citing “Thou Shall Not Steal” as an example of God’s overreach. The problem, according to the former Massachusetts governor, is the definition of what exactly constitutes “stealing.”
“Taking more from a customer than you give in return is part of capitalism,” he said. “Some people might call that ‘stealing,’ but I call it an ‘effective business strategy.’”
Romney said that God, albeit “well-intentioned,” has no business interfering with the free enterprise system. “Let the market sort it all out, like it has for thousands of years.”
Former Speaker New Gingrich has problems with the sixth and tenth commandments, banning adultery and the coveting of a neighbor’s wife, both of which he has considerable experience. “It’s a dangerous intrusion on behalf of the Lord,” said Gingrinch. “I’d repeal both of them.”
Herman Cain agreed. “I think the American people know how to act upon their lustful thoughts better than some invisible, omnipotent being,” he said, noting his support for “less divine intervention” in the lives of man. “Let’s keep the realm of God small, and unburdened by scurrilous, unsubstantiated accusations.”
In addition, Cain said he would get rid of commandment three, “Remember the Sabbath and Keep it Holy.” Acknowledging that Jews and Christians cannot even agree on whether the Sabbath falls on Saturday or Sunday, Cain believes the rule to be arbitrary, capricious, and bad for business.
“These weekend restrictions cannot apply to the retail sector,” said Cain. “Businesses need to be open at the behest of their customers, not at some arbitrary time-frame decreed by the Almighty. The free market should decide your hours of operation, not some damn stone tablets.”
Rep. Michele Bachmann (MN-R) said she would get rid of “all thirteen” commandments and let the individual states “pick and choose” which ones they would keep.
“There’s only one commandment we should be following,” added Bachmann. “And that’s to make Barack Obama a one-term president.”