ATLANTA (TheSkunk.org) — The Coca-Cola Company today announced the reintroduction of cocaine back into its popular soft drink after an absence of over one-hundred years. Druggist John Pemberton’s original 1886 formula for the carbonated beverage contained nine ounces of the medicinal coca leaf derivative, but it was removed in 1903 – much to the dismay of the beverage-drinking public.
Since then, the company has depended on the less-effective addictive properties of caffeine to keep consumers coming back for more. But with the increasing availability of coffee beverages on every street corner, according to CEO Muhtar Kent, “people are gradually becoming immune to the psychotropic effects of both caffeine and sugar.”
“Cocaine is a wonderful stimulant and anesthetic,” noted Kent, “and there’s no reason why it shouldn’t be infused into a soft drink. I mean, for gosh sakes, it’s part of our name.”
Coca-Cola stock skyrocketed on the announcement, and consumers have camped out at retail stores awaiting the release of the reformulated product.
“Coca-Cola is returning to its roots,” said Kent, “as an addictive, sweet-tasting analgesic.”
The company plans to distribute the product worldwide under the name “Coca-Coca.”
“The world today is a fucked up shithole,” said Kent, “but we still believe in our credo, ‘Things Go Better with Coke,’ — and infusing a few tablespoons of cocaine into the humdrum, everyday lives of our consumers can only make those things even better.”
“Or, at least,” he added, “not as important.”