ATLANTA (TheSkunk.org) – Saying the bevy of “false accusations” against him have been hurtful to his wife and family, presidential candidate Herman Cain announced today the suspension of his 43-year marriage to Gloria Cain.
“By suspending my marriage,” explained the former Godfather’s Pizza CEO, “I can continue to campaign for president without putting my spouse and children in an uncomfortable position whenever more false accusations arise – and there are sure to be more, because there are a lot of liars out there set on destroying me just because I am a businessman who is often horny and on the road by himself.”
According to Cain, the suspension of his marriage will mean the public should now consider him “temporarily unmarried.”
“During the marital suspension period,” noted Cain, “any and all claims of impropriety will fall onto deaf ears, because as a temporarily unmarried man, I’m entitled to do all those things with the lady of my choosing – which I have not done, but I could, if I wanted to — and there would be nothing wrong with doing them.”
Cain assured his supporters that he would never behave improperly with another woman “during any period of time in which my marriage has not been suspended.”
He then surprised everyone by saying he would make the suspension retro-active to 1992, which he feels will “effectively take the air out of all the previous accusations.”
“I can now claim I wasn’t married during any of these false allegations of infidelity,” added Cain. “Even if some of these alleged sexual misdeeds were true – which they are not – but if they were true, it wouldn’t matter, because I have now been a bachelor for the last twenty years.”