The Republican Party was found dead in its apartment Thursday, the victim of apparent suicide. The political organization had been suffering in recent years with chronic idiocy and had been on life support since 2010.
First responders arrived on the scene to find the Grand Old Party lying face-down in its own vomit, gasping for breath and wailing something incoherent about “abortions and negroes.” Paramedics began life-saving techniques, to no avail.
“I tried giving it CPR,” said Emergency Medical Technician Jim Perry, “but it refused treatment, accusing me of being a socialist parasite leeching off the government.”
Investigators said the Republican Party had smothered itself with a conundrum that had been in the making for 30 years.
“The more it wanted to win an election, the more unpopular its views would become,” said Detective Carl Fenster of the NYPD. “It apparently sucked its own air out of itself.”
The GOP was transported to a Planned Parenthood clinic where it was pronounced dead on arrival. Per its wishes, its body will be cremated and the ashes dumped into an offshore oilwell somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico.
In lieu of flowers, relatives request that you send threatening letters to an abortion clinic.