Local Family Wants to Secede from Neighborhood

PLEASANT HILLS, OH (TheSkunk.org) — The Barton family on Maple Street plans to file a petition with the Mayor’s office to secede from this quiet suburban neighborhood.

“We want to break the ties with the oppressive atmosphere permeating from the surrounding streets,” said Dave Barton, who believes the town council and homeowners’ association are “socialist organizations designed to quell individuality and self-determination.”

“That’s why we choose to form our own autonomous land,” he said, “consisting of — just us.”

According to the petition, the new region would be called “Bartonshouseville,” and would encompass Barton’s house and surrounding yard, “up to and including the wood fence.”

“We want to make this a friendly split,” explained Barton, “but my family and I are willing to take whatever measures we deem necessary to protect our liberty.”

Those measures include hiring [former CIA director] Gen. David Patraeus to run their fledgling in-house intelligence agency.  (“I know it’s a long shot, but I hear he may be looking for work.”)

So far, Barton has gathered three signatures on his petition, which constitutes 60% of the members of his household.  “My wife and daughter added their names,” he said, “but the twins still haven’t made up their minds.”

“They’re only six,” he added, “so If push comes to shove, I can sign for them.”