LaPierre Plan Would Allow Infants to Purchase Guns

WASHINGTON ( — In yet another bizarre attempt to justify his organization’s unyielding opposition to sensible gun legislation, NRA chief Wayne LaPierre today proposed eliminating the minimum age requirement for purchasing firearms.

“If an infant wants to own a Bushmaster,” said LaPierre, “that is his sacred right under the Second Amendment. Where do you think the word ‘infantry’ comes from?”

He then proposed every preschool have its own military, including a navy and special ops team.

“All children would be required to serve in their school’s militia,” said La Pierre, “where they would be trained to fire weapons and do all the other things soldiers do, like dive on top of hand grenades and parachute out of planes circling high above their playgrounds.”

LaPierre said principals should have authority to declare war against armed intruders or rival schools.

“Each school could take prisoners,” he explained, “and school administrators could use torture techniques to gather information inside their own state-of-the-art high-security detention facility.”

On every campus, LaPierre envisions “student stores equipped with a wide selection of ammunition, firearms and explosives” and “little cemeteries to bury dead kids.”

According to LaPierre, “the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good paranoid psychopath with the power of delusional thinking — and even then, there’s no guarantees.”

“That’s why we must fully arm our babies,” he explained. “If a newborn purchases an AR-15 immediately upon emerging from his mother’s womb, he can defend himself against tyranny and oppression right from the get-go.”

“And when those faceless bureaucrats in the black helicopters come to slash off his foreskin,” he added, “they will have to think twice.”