VATICAN CITY (TheSkunk.org) – Sources close to Mitt Romney have described what it was like when the former Massachusetts governor learned he would not be the 266th Pope of the Roman Catholic Church.
According to a senior adviser, Romney was “shellshocked” upon learning that he lost the papacy to Jorge Mario Bergoglio, now known as Pope Francis.
“He really thought he had it in the bag,” said the adviser. “When that white smoke cleared the chimney, he was already wearing his $20,000 designer tuxedo and preparing to speak to thousands of commoners who had assembled at St. Peter’s Square.”
Romney believed becoming the next Pope would make up for the all the missteps and lapses in judgment which many believe cost him the White House. He was certain he could parlay his life experiences — running the Winter Olympics, serving a single term as governor of a small New England state, and creating a nationwide chain of office supply stores — into winning the hearts and minds of the planet’s 1.2 billion Catholics.
When he met with Church officials earlier in the week, he believed he had the 77 votes necessary to become the next pontiff.
“I love eatin’ those cheesy wafers,” he told them, “with extra jalapenos, just like the native Italians.”
As the cardinals went into the conclave, Romney was confident he had a clear path to victory.
“He had already started asking poor people to kiss his ring,” said the adviser. “When the announcement came that it was some unknown South American socialist who was elected, he just couldn’t believe it. It was 2012 all over again. And 2008. And 1994, if you count that whole Ted Kennedy Senate debaucle.“
According to the adviser, Romney staggered slowly around St. Peter’s in a complete daze.
“He was like a deer staring into the headlights while tied to the roof of his own station wagon,” he explained. “I don’t think there was a single person on his team who saw this coming.”
In the days following his latest scorching defeat, Romney has been highly critical of the election process. He accused Pope Francis of buying his fellow cardinals’ votes by offering “free gifts” to the underprivileged in the form of education and food. “He washed their dirty feet,” noted Romney. “I get in trouble for the 47 percent comment, and yet there’s video all over the Internet of this guy washing the bare feet of poor people in order to win over the voters.”
“I could have done that,” added Romney, “but my philosophy is that a strong economy will allow poor people to hire even poorer people to wash their feet for them.”