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Today is: Friday, December 19, 2014

Rand Paul Pisses on Floor of Senate Chamber for 13 Hours

Rand Paul Pissing

WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — Sen. Rand Paul last night ended a 13-hour pissing session on the floor of the Senate chamber.  The pissing started at 9:00 am EST, and ended just before 10:00 pm.

“I drank a lot in the morning,” Paul said, “so I could continuously piss all day.”

To keep the stream going, aides to the Kentucky lawmaker repeatedly brought him 1-liter bottles of carbonated water and cups of Starbucks coffee, which he would down voraciously.  “He must have drank 300 Trenta mocha lattes and 12 cases of Perrier,” said a spokesperson. “That man is a veritable pissing machine.”

Paul said the purpose of his marathon urination session was to delay the vote on the confirmation of John Brennan as CIA director, by “making the Senate floor really uncomfortable to walk on.”

Paul’s urine completely drenched the ornate carpeting, and the occasional pee splatter on Sen. John McCain’s antique oak desk was enough to cause the wood to warp. The odiferous aroma steaming up from the Tea Party Republican’s yellow-tinted bodily fluid permeated the entre Capitol building, according to those who were unfortunate enough to be there at the time.

Typically, the filibuster, or “bladderbuster,“ as Paul jokingly referred to it, consists of a lengthy, non-stop oratory, but Paul decided to take this unconventional approach, telling reporters,  “talk is cheap; urinating on the floor is the best way to get everyone’s attention.”

That attention has presumably been received. Senators will have to wade across pee-soaked carpeting for “quite some time,” noted one insider, because the whole janitorial staff has been furloughed due to the sequester.

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