RICHMOND, VA (TheSkunk.org) — As Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli attempts to bring anti-sodomy laws back to his state, NRA Chief Wayne LaPierre warned that any such law must contain an exclusion for guns.
America’s top gun lobbyist said he will strongly oppose “any law forbidding us from sodomizing ourselves with our own firearms.”
“The Second Amendment guarantees our right to keep and bear arms,” declared LaPierre, “and to holster them with our anuses, if we so choose.”
After speaking with LaPierre, Cuccinelli promised he would work with the state legislature to pass the Gun-Sodomy Exclusion Amendment. “I believe we can criminalize aberrant sexual behavior,” said Cuccinelli, “without infringing on the rights of law-abiding gun owners.”
LaPierre seemed skeptical, preferring no bans on guns or sodomy.
“If the government prevents us from thrusting the muzzle of a rifle or a steely blue pistol into our bungholes,” stated LaPierre, “it will set us straight on the path to eliminating all man-on-gun sex altogether.”
To demonstrate, LaPierre dropped his shorts and bent all the way down, revealing the handle of a Ruger .38 Special hefted proudly in the air — one butt sticking out from another; its barrel firmly clasped inside his powder-burned sphincter.
“See? The only thing that stops a bad guy sodomizing you with a gun,” noted LaPierre, “is a good guy sodomizing himself with a gun.”
He slowly stood, pulled his pants up over his bulging pistol and added: “They’ll take my gun from my cold, dead ass.”