WASHINGTON/PYONGYANG (TheSkunk.org) — Declaring the United States no longer able to defend itself due to military cuts caused by the sequester, President Obama today announced a full and unconditional surrender to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un.
“The time has come when we must let go of the values we held dear from our past and embrace new ones,” said Obama, “values that will be instilled into each of us by our new Supreme Leader at a time and place of his choosing.”
Many Republican members of Congress, including House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, were initially opposed to the surrender, believing the free market should have been given a chance to take on the mighty North Korean army. “If we untether our businesses from the restrictive regulations of Washington,” stated Cantor, “we could unleash the power of Microsoft, McDonalds, Facebook and Disney in opposing the North Korean threat.”
The administration quelled such dissension with some sobering facts. “North Korea has several of their long-range missiles aimed directly at the United States,” said a spokesperson. “These missiles have words printed on them that we cannot read. We’ve tried asking them what these words mean and also if they wouldn’t mind pointing these missiles in a different direction, but they would not return our calls. We have no alternative but to admit defeat at the hands of a more sophisticated military.”
The spokesperson referred to the North Korean victory as “psychological warfare, the likes of which the world have never seen.”
Not all lawmakers considered the news to devastating. Rep. Michelle Bachmann said she was eager for the affordable Care Act to finally be repealed.
“I believe Supreme Leader Un knows that Obamacare will be a complete job-killing disaster for this newer, bigger North Korean economy,” said Bachmann, “and I’m sure he will do away with it once the transition is complete.”
That “transition” will be complete once President Obama signs the Instrument of Surrender at a ceremony in the Rose Garden on Friday.
Senator Mitch McConnell referred to it as a “win-win” situation. “The Jong Un regime gets this prime piece of North American real estate,” he said, “and we get to prevent Barack Obama from becoming a full two-term president.”
“And that,” added McConnell, “has been my number one priority.”