NSA Leaker Snowden Executed by Chinese as ‘Preventative Measure’

BEIJING (TheSkunk.org) — Edward Snowden, the 29-year-old college dropout whose disclosure of top secret U.S. government security information caused a storm of controversy, has been executed by the Chinese government to prevent him from doing the same thing to their country.

After disclosing thousands of classified U.S. government documents to the media, Snowden fled to Hong Kong, where he was hiding safely in an unnamed hotel until Chinese authorities — using a coordinated system of Internet surveillance and hidden hotel cameras — tracked him down and sentenced him to death.

Although specific charges against the nerdy-computer-tech-turned-counter-spy were not immediately disclosed, the Chinese Justice Department confirmed that charges would be forthcoming within the next two or three years. “These will be very good charges,” he said, “that I believe will satisfy everyone.”

A government spokesperson elaborated on the reasons for the execution. “While we have no reason to believe that sometime in the future Mr. Snowden would reveal Chinese government information, it is a possibility, so we took the fair and just course of executing him before he could shame our country as he did his own.”

Snowden was shot by firing squad, electrocuted, then shackled and submerged in the Yangtze River, where toxic chemicals dissolved the remaining flesh off his skeleton.

Multiple requests from the Obama administration for Snowden’s extradition have all been denied.

Chinese authorities say they will not extradite Snowden’s remains to the United States, because the charges were political in nature and he sought asylum in their country.

“His bones will stay in China,” said one official, defiantly, “to show our disapproval of U.S. violations of civil rights.”