BREAKING NEWS (TheSkunk.org) –Two winners correctly selected the winning numbers in Tuesday’s Mega-Millions lottery drawing, and neither of them were you. The numbers you selected on those lottery tickets you purchased from the market on your way home from work did not match the randomly drawn winning numbers, according to Janice Castleton, a spokesperson for Mega Millions, and therefore you are not entitled to the $636 million jackpot.
Although you purchased multiple tickets due to the media hype about this incredible payout – and despite your playful insistence to friends and neighbors that this time you have the winner — each of them was, in fact, a losing ticket, and therefore you did not become an overnight millionaire.
There will be no press interviews with you or photographs of you holding a giant check payable to you, according to Castleton. “We simply don’t do that with the losers.”
Furthermore, you are neither a friend nor acquaintance of the winners. “The two lucky individuals who actually did win the jackpot,” she added, “don’t even have a clue who-the-hell you are.”