Chris Christie Denies Eating Three Lanes of Bridge

TRENTON, N.J. ( — In a press conference Friday, Governor Chris Christie denied creating a devastating traffic jam by devouring three lanes of the George Washington Bridge.

“You think I’m stupid?” asked the Garden State’s chief executive. “I’m here to serve the people of this great state — not to dine on its infrastructure.”

Christie maintained that if someone did eat portions of the bridge, it was done without his knowledge or consent. “Some idiot in the press notices bits of the bridge have been bitten off and automatically assumes that I had something to do with it.”

But emails obtain obtained by The Skunk — allegedly sent by top Christie staffers — tell another story.  One such letter, sent by Deputy Chief-of-Staff Bridget Anne Kelly, reads, “Time to feed the pig more pavement,” to which an anonymous responder replies: “Again?”

Christie contends that the missing bridge pieces were extracted as part of a flavor-enhancement study, to see if adding various seasonings to different lanes would affect traffic flow.

“I’m not a transportation expert,” noted Christie.  “But I know about eating stuff, and that asphalt would taste like shit without some kind of spices added to it.”

“This whole issue is ridiculous,” he added. “Who would eat something like that without Tabasco?”