UKRAINE (TheSkunk.org) — Russian President Vladimar Putin’s roll of the dice this morning resulted in three sixes to Ukraine’s two and five, which allowed him to advance two soldiers from Yakutsk to Irkutsk.
The United States responded by fortifying its military positions, easily repositioning ten troops from their base in Northern Europe to adjoining Southern Europe. President Obama warned Putin that the U.S. already has two cards with pictures of 19th century canons on them, and as soon as a third one is obtained, he will be sending 24 additional soldiers and marines into the region.
Putin reminded Obama that Kamchatka already contains 16 Russian troops, while the adjacent territory of Alaska has only seven American servicemen, which would make it relatively simple for him to invade.
Obama shot back that the Pentagon has developed a set of bigger dice, and is prepared to roll them at any time.
Putin responded to the threat by revealing Russia’s own new military capability. “Your tiny American dice are no match for my huge Russian balls,” he cautioned. “Trust me. You do not want to unleash my balls on the world map.”
At a news conference later in the day, an Obama spokesperson confirmed the existence of Putin’s huge Russian balls, but said that to unleash them would be a violation of International law.
“President Putin needs to withdrawal his balls from the conflict,” added the spokesperson, “and start playing by the rules.”
A smiling Putin then surprised everyone by producing three identical cards with pictures of old-fashioned soldiers on them and receiving 24 Russian soldiers, which he placed on Mongolia.