Cats No Longer Considered Mammals

PRAGUE  ( – “Down with Cats!” was the cry from a group of renowned animal scientists meeting in the Czech Republic on Sunday.

An overwhelming majority of animal researchers decided that cats do not qualify to be categorized as “mammals.”  In a vote by the attendees at the Annual Congress of Zoologists, common house cats have lost their “mammal” status and will now be considered “scratchy fuzzies.”

“They never should have been classified mammals in the first place,” said Beau R. Beaumont, a scientist attending the Congress. “They’re nasty little bitches that have nothing in common with other mammalia. This vote has corrected a mistake that lingered as a black eye on the animal science community for ages.”

Some experts don’t think the reclassification went far enough.

“They shouldn’t even be considered animals,” stated Dr. Richard Thungzi, Professor of Animal Studies at UCLA.  “They are genetic aberrations, at best — four-legged calamities that use up valuable resources and offer nothing in return, except random pieces of loose hair that eventually end up in your lungs.”

The downgrade from mammal status has caused outrage among feline enthusiasts worldwide. “Yes, we know they make you bleed from their scratches and hiss at you for no other reason than entertainment,” said Michele Michark at a local protest, “but does mean we have to resort to name calling and degrading their status in the animal kingdom?”

For Dr. Thungzi, the answer is “Yes.”

“Mammals are live-bearing vertebrae that give milk,” he explained. “Nothing in that definition describes peeing copiously on your bathroom rug or ripping the sides of your sofa to shreds.”

A calico cat was approached to be interviewed for this story, but declined to comment and went to sleep on a pillow.