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Tito Jackson seeks to replace brother as ‘King of Pop’
LOS ANGELES — Tito Jackson declared himself the new King of Pop today, promising to fill the void in fans’ hearts left by the death of his superstar younger brother. The 55 year-old member of the original Jackson Five said he has prepared for this moment his whole life. “Of course, I never wanted my brother to die,” said Tito,
Diahann Carroll and Leslie Uggams slighted in Jackson will
HOLLYWOOD — Performers Diahann Carroll and Leslie Uggams expressed their indignation today at being excluded from Michael Jackson’s will. “We weren’t mentioned once,” said an incensed Diahann Carroll, whose career spans five decades in the television,
Jackson’s black body also found dead
LOS ANGELES – In a sad turn of events, the black body of Michael Jackson was found dead Wednesday, less than a week after his white one departed. The black body apparently died sometime in the 1980s. AKPC_IDS += "4024,";
Sanford sent same sex letter to all mistresses
COLUMBIA, SC — When Governor Mark Sanford emailed his South American lover, expressing his admiration for “…the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself,” he was certain the carefully chosen words would turn the heat up on their sexually charged relationship. But when Maria Belen Chapur, the Argentinian journalist
IOUs become official currency of California
SACRAMENTO — Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today declared that IOUs will be the new currency of the State of California. “Since we can’t print our own money like the federal government,” explained the former Mister Universe, “we will issue IOU forms that will allow politicians in Sacramento, as well as average citizens, to pay creditors
After re-count, Ahmadinejad has 110% of vote
TEHRAN — After an exhaustive recount of the election results, the Iranian ruling clerics have determined that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won their country’s election by a far greater margin than previously indicated, garnering 110% of the vote. “It’s clear that every eligible citizen has cast their vote for Ahmadinejad,” said
Madoff looks forward to life after prison
NEW YORK — Convicted financier Bernie Madoff, sentenced to 150 years for perpetrating the largest financial scam in history, remains optimistic about life after prison. “Once I’ve repaid my debt to society,” he told reporters,” I look forward to enjoying the world of the future.” Madoff said that by the time
Bits of plastic found in backyard may be from Target
BILLINGS, MT — A Montana couple found bits of broken plastic buried on their property that appear to have been parts of disposable forks and knives from a retail Target store. Marv and Harriet Semipole were digging in their backyard, preparing the soil for their annual tomato planting, when they made the discovery. “In all the years we’ve
Shlockheads mourn loss of pitchman Billy Mays
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Cases of OxiClean and the Handy Switch have been flying off the shelves in cities around the world, as distraught fans of the late Billy Mays try to hold onto a little bit of the departed pitchman’s magic. Mays was found dead in his Tampa, Florida home early Sunday Morning. The iconic photo of Mays applying Simoniz Instant
Plans intact for Michael Jackson to appear in concert
LONDON – Faced with the possibility of refunding $85 million in tickets sales, promoters for the concert series that Michael Jackson was preparing for at the time of his death have decided to honor the 750,000 pre-sold tickets and move forward with the shows. Jackson’s “That Was It” concert, as it’s been renamed, will open at London’s
