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Gun advocates assert right to kill things
SEATTLE – Gun advocates staged a rally at a Starbucks Wednesday, protesting the government’s ban on killing things. “It’s our Second Amendment right to kill anything we want, at a time and place of our choosing,” said
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Senator wants nation’s jobless to be his servants
WASHINGTON — After blocking passage of a jobless benefits bill, Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY) announced today he will compensate the nation’s unemployed by offering them non-paid positions as his personal servants. “They
Americans turn to Haiti for medical care
PORT-AU-PRICE, Haiti — Scores of ailing Americans arrive in this impoverished country by the hour, seeking life-saving medical treatment — unavailable to them
Racist councilman sues himself for slander
SANTA CLARITA, CA – A city councilman who referred to himself as a “proud racist” -– a characterization he vehemently refutes — has sued himself for slander. Councilman Bob Kellar, a former two-time mayor, tried to clarify the controversy by admitting he had indeed uttered the words
Voters disappointed in Brown’s lack of accomplishment in U.S. Senate
BOSTON — Ever since Scott Brown was elected on Tuesday to fill the Senate seat once held by Ted Kennedy, Massachusetts voters have expressed their overwhelming disappointment
Reid apologizes to Negroes everywhere
WASHINGTON — Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) apologized to “Negroes Everywhere” on Monday, for a racially charged remark he made in 2008 about then-Senator Barack Obama. In their upcoming book, “Game Change,” journalists Mark Halperin and John Heilemann reported that Reid
New TSA rule: No bombs in carry-on
WASHINGTON — In light of the failed bombing attempt of a Northwest Airlines flight from Amsterdan to Detroit on Christmas Day, the Transportation Security Administration has added bombs to its list of items prohibited from all international and domestic air travel. The
Neighbors legalize pot for themselves
GRANADA HILLS, CA — On a quiet cul-de-sac in this sleepy Los Angeles suburb, neighbors have voted to legalize marijuana for their own personal use . “This
Palin fans can’t read book
FORKS BEND, KY – Some fans of Sarah Palin were disappointed with the former Alaska Governor’s best seller, “Going Rogue,” when they realized they were unable
Joe Biden crashes state dinner
WASHINGTON — Vice President Joe Biden exposed a breach in security last week when he showed up at a White House state dinner, uninvited. Vice President Biden poses
Americans flee to Guatemala to escape bleak job market
GUATEMALA CITY — John Wilson holds a PhD in physics and has worked in the aerospace industry for over thirty years. Today he is selling cheese-stuffed pupusas —
Tell-all book trashes William Henry Harrison administration
A new biography hitting bookstore shelves on Friday paints a dim portrait of President William Henry Harrison. According to the book, “The Do-Nothing President,” Harrison – who died in 1841 after only 31 days in office – was the most “unaccomplished Chief Executive our country has ever known.” In
Employment up for stupid people
WASHINGTON — Employment among imbeciles and morons rose 10% in the 2nd quarter of 2009, according to a new report released today by the U.S. Bureau of Statistics. In
Goodwill bans donations from man with bad taste
OKALHOMA CITY — An information technology consultant was banned for life by Goodwill Industries from donating any more of his “crap.” For years, computer whiz Mark
Roman Polanski: ‘I thought she was 13-and-a-half’
ZURICH — Director Roman Polanski defended his 1977 rape of a 13-year-old model by expressing his belief that she was 13-and-a-half at the time. “She seemed much too mature for someone of her years,” wrote the 77-year-old auteur in a letter to the French film magazine, Cahiers du Cinema.
Obama warns of ‘Axis of Buffoonery’
President Obama today warned the world of the threat posed by leaders Hugo Chavez, Muammar al-Gaddafi and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, whom he referred to as the “Axis of Buffoonery,”
Pie donations down at clown colleges
Despite the growing need, donations of cream-filled pies are down 65% at clown colleges across the U.S. “This is an urgent concern for our students,” said BoBo, Dean of the National Clown Institute. “We depend on donations of pies – particularly coconut cream and lemon meringue – to continue
Preschoolers re-create 9/11
BOSTON — Using Legos and toy planes, a class of preschoolers at a community daycare center re-created the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. “By re-enacting the events over and over again,” said Mufasa Kassab,
Charlton Heston’s gun taken from his ‘cold, dead hands’
GLENDALE, CA — In keeping with the late actor’s wishes, Charlton Heston’s decaying remains were exhumed today, and a vintage 1874 military rifle — made famous in his “cold, dead hands” speech — was removed from his cold, dead hands. “His hands were real cold, alright,”
Same investigator overlooked Garrido and Madoff
SAN FRANCISCO – The same government investigator who failed to uncover the massive Ponzi scheme perpetrated by convicted Wall Street scammer Bernard Madoff, also neglected to notice the backyard sex prison operated
Public doubts ‘official’ account of Kennedy death
BOSTON — Over 68% of Americans don’t believe the official government story that Senator Edward Kennedy died from a brain tumor, according to a survey released today.
Imaginary friend ODs on placebos
Four-year-old Billy Tipton’s best friend — an imaginary owl named Scabooboo – ovedosed last night on an entire make-believe bottle of placebos. “I warned
Hawaii insists it’s ‘no paradise’
HONOLULU — Troubled by its reputation as a tropical paradise, Hawaii is on a quest to change its image by producing a series of commercials depicting the
NRA donates guns to grade-schoolers
FAIRFAX, VA — The National Rifle Association plans to distribute free handguns to seven million American school children in grades K-3 as part of their 2nd Amendment education
Criminals urged to apprehend themselves
LOS ANGELES — In an attempt to lower costs for law enforcement, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is asking lawbreakers to turn themselves in as part of his “Arrest Yourself” campaign. He spelled out details of the program at a press conference Tuesday.
Congressman legalizes pot for himself
WASHINGTON, DC — Congressman Sal Dennison (D-OH) successfully inserted an amendment into a House bill, which would legalize marijuana for his own personal use.
Insurance lobby denies pay to heckler due to ‘pre-existing ignorance’
BOZEMAN, MT — A powerful insurance lobby today denied compensation to a man it hired to disrupt a town hall meeting on healthcare reform, asserting that he had “pre-existing ignorance.” A spokesperson for the Insurance Lobby of America said they hired Milo Gunther to interrupt his
Palin baby to be sacrificed to volcano gods
JUNEAU, AK — Sniglet Palin, three-year-old daughter of former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, is scheduled to be thrown into Mt. Redoubt, a 10,197-foot active volcano 103 miles west of Anchorage, to please the fire
Man gets cash for clunker wife
BUTTE, MO — Due to a loophole in the federal “Cash for Clunkers” program, local dentist Halman Johnson was able to bring his wife of twenty-two years into the local Ford dealership and walk away with $4500 cash
