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Americans flee to Guatemala to escape bleak job market
GUATEMALA CITY — John Wilson holds a PhD in physics and has worked in the aerospace industry for over thirty years. Today he is selling cheese-stuffed pupusas — a native Guatemalan delicacy — from the back
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Employment up for stupid people
WASHINGTON — Employment among imbeciles and morons rose 10% in the 2nd quarter of 2009, according to a new report released today by the U.S. Bureau of Statistics. In
Pie donations down at clown colleges
Despite the growing need, donations of cream-filled pies are down 65% at clown colleges across the U.S. “This is an urgent concern for our students,” said BoBo, Dean of the National Clown Institute. “We depend on donations of pies – particularly coconut cream and lemon meringue – to continue
Criminals urged to apprehend themselves
LOS ANGELES — In an attempt to lower costs for law enforcement, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is asking lawbreakers to turn themselves in as part of his “Arrest Yourself” campaign. He spelled out details of the program at a press conference Tuesday.
Man gets cash for clunker wife
BUTTE, MO — Due to a loophole in the federal “Cash for Clunkers” program, local dentist Halman Johnson was able to bring his wife of twenty-two years into the local Ford dealership and walk away with $4500 cash
Home sales up by 11 homes
The month of July saw an increase in single-family home sales nationwide by a total of 11. The 11 homes were sold in California, New Mexico, New Jersey, and Guam. Six of the homes were sold to buyers who had no employment
Cheap bastards unaffected by recession
WASHINGTON, DC — While the shaky economy has forced most Americans to cut back on their day-to-day living expenses, the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis reported that cheap bastards carry on as though nothing has changed. “Recession?” laughed Norton Bartel, a stingy plumber from Newark who’s
IOUs become official currency of California
California's New Currency SACRAMENTO — Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today declared that IOUs will be the new currency
Unemployment soars among unemployment office workers
SACRAMENTO — The California Employment Development Department (EDD), the agency responsible for distributing unemployment benefits to millions of the state’s laid-off employees, has itself begun laying off thousands of its own staff members. “It happened so sudden,” said Lester
Republican Senators approve tax breaks for Canadians
OTTAWA — Dissatisfied with the stimulus package that made its way through Congress, and the lack of conservative input contained therein, Republican senators voted unanimously over the weekend to give tax breaks to Canadians. “Since we were unable to convince our colleagues, or a majority
White House touts double-digit employment
WASHINGTON, DC — A new report from the White House indicates that 93% of Americans currently have jobs, superseding previous accounts from the Bureau of Labor Statistics that 7% were out of work. “In only two weeks, we have gone from 7% unemployment to 93% employment,” said Speaker
Obama says sale of virginity good for economy
WASHINGTON — Citing his campaign theme that good ideas can come from anywhere, President-elect Barack Obama praised coed Natalie Dylan for auctioning off her virginity to pay her college tuition. He said the 22-year-old’s plan will be a model for both his administration’s education
Congress tells Toyota, Honda, BMW to make shittier vehicles
WASHINGTON — The House Financial Services Committee issued a statement today, urging foreign car manufactures to “tone down” the quality and appeal of their products, so that the big three American car companies can compete more effectively. “If the foreign manufacturers would
Santa Won’t be Coming to Your Town
Santa is skipping Christmas this year. In this video, he explains why.
Porn Industry to get $100 Billion in Federal Aid
WASHINGTON — Leaders in the adult entertainment industry, hit hard in the current recession, testified before Congress Monday, explaining the need for $100 billion dollars in government assistance to keep their various enterprises afloat. Leigh Flanders, a producer of hard-core gay videos, claimed
Horse and Buggy Manufacturers Seek Fed Assistance
WASHINGTON, DC — Two horse and buggy manufacturing executives made a trip to Capitol Hill on Friday, seeking government assistance for their flailing industry. During hearings before the House Financial Services Committee, George Thomas Windham, CEO of McCooder & Sons Buggy and Surrey Company,
Feds to Wager $200 Billion in Vegas Gaming
WASHINGTON, DC — Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson announced today that the United States has allotted $200 billion of the recently passed congressional economic bailout to be played on table games in Las Vegas. “It’s quite simple,” explained Paulson. “We take some of that
Claim your Bailout Money Today!
WASHINGTON — The federal government is planning on bailing out huge Wall Street corporations with up to a trillion dollars of taxpayers’ money — your money! The Skunk doesn’t think that’s fair. We believe average citizens
Tennessee Man Receives Government Bailout
WASHINGTON — The Federal Reserve today announced it will be giving 14 billion dollars to Thomas Shale, a blue collar textile worker from Knoxville. Mr. Shale had fallen into tremendous, unmanageable debt over the last three years and was on the brink of financial ruin. “I went a little
Congress outsources workload to Malaysia
WASHINGTON, DC—The United States Congress is outsourcing its workload to a contactor in Malaysia, according to a report by the U.S. Government Accountability Office. Beginning this month, the
McCain to Balance Budget with Nigerian Advance-Fee Plan
WASHINGTON, DC — Senator John McCain announced an unexpected windfall profit is headed our way and he will use it to pay off the national debt. “I received an urgent, photocopied letter from Doctor Willobee Ogu, the president of the Bank of Nigeria, in
